2012 will forever be remembered as the year I started making The Elliot Mason Show
and 2017 will forever be remembered as the year I stopped making it
The return of the unmuch-loved Elliot Mason Show after a 3 year absence
Elliot struggles to gain an audience for his sketch show but finds hope in the form of a man called Dwight
Cast
Amir Giles, Gareth Ackland, Mike Fordham, Jenny Lockyer, Jon Roffey, Ian Newman, Charlie Coulson-Smith, Anna Thomson, James Boston, Victoria Dimmock, Ben Wren, Jonny Yeah, David Goo, Hannah Warman, Richard Frost, Dwight Schmendricks
Crew
Garden Boom – Jon Roffey
Additional Garden Sound – Mike Fordham
‘Walking In The Park’ Camera – Victoria Dimmock
Office Boom – Ben Wren
Written & Made by Elliot Mason
Produced by Elliot Mason & David Goo
A fascinating behind-the-scenes documentary about one of the most enduring sketch shows of all time…
Russ Abbot’s Madhouse!
…I mean The Elliot Mason Show
Cameraman/Interviewer – David Goo
Episode 5: Crisps
The Roundest Pickled Egg – Song
Crisps – Song
Follow Me On Twitter – Song
I Play A Prank On You! Ep 2
The classic dry cleaners joke
All the good camera bits by Mike Fordham
Episode 4: The chilli incident
What Did I Do With My Thing? – Song
I’ve Got A Cold – Song
Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage – Song
I Taped The Wrong Side – Song
Kitchen Corner – Soup Episode
Challenge Elliot – Doorbell episode
‘I Taped The Wrong Side’ Video by Mike Fordham
Episode 3: Why do things change?
Life is like a movie – Song
Me father was a peaceful man – Song
My Ford Mondeo – Song
I Play A Prank On You – Ep 1
Barbara Dickson & Elaine Paige in the bath
Good camera bits by Mike Fordham
Episode 2: Period features
My life is wonderful – Song
The thumb just came off my left marigold – Song
Cecil – Song
What’s my vegetable?
Episode 1: Bell's Palsy
Hey – Song
A Million Pounds – Song
The Sea – Song
Kitchen Corner – Cheese on toast
Jabba the Hutt – Slimfast Advert
If it’s a selection of Elliot Mason’s music videos you’ll be wanting
You’ve come to the right place
My wife cooked me up a lovely meal
Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel
I ate it up as quick as I could
Cos I was really hungry
And it tasted just like paradise
After I’d finished my lovely meal
I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal
I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming
Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair
I washed the plates up and I
I cleaned the spoons
I stacked the saucepans and I
I hummed a tune
I poured the water out but it was too soon
Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave
I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up
But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Not any more
After I’d put all the things away
I said to myself let’s call it a day
I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on
And then I slowly drifted off to sleep
I dreamed of elephants and flying cars
I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars
I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath
But when I turned around
And looked on top of Catherine’s head
I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up
But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Not any more.
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham
4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.
Lyrics…
Doors doors doors
Doors doors doors
Lovely doors
You can open them up
Close them again
Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend
Oh what a drafty world this would be
Without doors doors doors
You can paint ’em a colour
Or leave ’em alone
You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone
But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size
Oh doors, doors, doors
If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room
Unless you climbed out of a window
You couldn’t get into the toilet at all
You’d have to wee into a corner
Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house
They keep out gorillas and even a mouse
You can put in a flap for your cat though
Oh doors doors doors
Some of them have a little peephole thing
And you can spy on the postman
And see what he brings
But watch out if he posts something heavy
Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot
Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too
Are accessed by going through a doorway
They have them all over in Belgium and Spain
And one or two over in Norway
Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet
Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it
I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to
Doors doors doors
Doors doors doors
Doors doors doors
Lovely doors
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Available for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
I went down to the chip shop
To go and buy some chips
I asked for some chips and a battered sausage
And a can of diet Lilt
Just as I was paying
He asked did I want anything else
I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg
And then he went and he took one out
But there was something about this pickled egg
That wasn’t really right
It was out of all proportion and
It gave me quite a fright
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Well I couldn’t quite believe it
This egg was really round
It tasted like a pickled egg
But it didn’t look like a pickled egg
It looked more like a golf ball
Without those little dents
Never before have I ever seen
Such a spherical bloody egg
Cos there was something about this pickled egg
That wasn’t really right
It was like a massive bonbon
Or a small full moon at night
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw
I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor
But I’ve never ever seen
Such a perfectly round pickled egg
As the one that I saw on that day
When I bought one from the chip shop
That’s around the corner from me
The one by the station?
No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners
Oh yes I know the one that you mean
I hear they do round pickled eggs there
Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes
Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry
I didn’t hear the start of the conversation
That’s alright.
Let me tell you ’bout it once again
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
Little baby Jesus
Sleeping in the hay
Sleepy sleepy Jesus
Oh sleep the night away
Sleeping in the morning
Sleeping late at night
Sleeping with the curtains drawn
And with his eyes shut tight
Jesus, oh Jesus
Jesus is asleep
Oh won’t you all please keep it down
Because Jesus is trying to sleep
Little baby Jesus
Sleeping peacefully
Sleeping when the TV’s on
And when I sing off key
Jesus in his manger snoring gently
What a lovely sleeping thing
Our lord and saviour be
Jesus, oh Jesus
Jesus is asleep
Oh won’t you all just shut your noise
Because Jesus is trying to sleep
Quiet, oh quiet
Won’t you please pipe down
Cos Jesus is asleep you see
Now please try not to make a sound
Video by Justin & Elliot Mason
Lyrics…
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah
Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube
It makes it so much easier in the long run
And I try to tell her
Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby
Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude
Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her
Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment
And let the forks have the fork compartment?
I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her
Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?
It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake
(Cra) You’re driving me crazy
(Crazy) Driving me crazy
(Crazy) Ooooooo
(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby
(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy
(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?
(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy
(You’re so crazy) yeah
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing
Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby
Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way
Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?
Guitar Solo
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo
And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her
I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through
I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye
Video by Justin & Elliot Mason
Lyrics…
I heard about a place
Not so far away
Where people live in peace
And make love all the day
They’ve got all kinds of shops
The roads are built in blocks
There ain’t no doggy plops
You could walk round in your socks
Milton Keynes
Drive up the M1
And go past Toddington
Turn off at J14
You might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes
The locals all look pleased
And never flick the v’s
They’ve got a big Sainsburys
With twenty types of cheese
Milton Keynes
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
My wife cooked me up a lovely meal
Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel
I ate it up as quick as I could
Cos I was really hungry
And it tasted just like paradise
After I’d finished my lovely meal
I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal
I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming
Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair
I washed the plates up and I
I cleaned the spoons
I stacked the saucepans and I
I hummed a tune
I poured the water out but it was too soon
Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave
I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up
But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Not any more
After I’d put all the things away
I said to myself let’s call it a day
I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on
And then I slowly drifted off to sleep
I dreamed of elephants and flying cars
I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars
I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath
But when I turned around
And looked on top of Catherine’s head
I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up
But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge
That I didn’t have to pour out any more
Not any more.
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham
4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.
Lyrics…
Doors doors doors
Doors doors doors
Lovely doors
You can open them up
Close them again
Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend
Oh what a drafty world this would be
Without doors doors doors
You can paint ’em a colour
Or leave ’em alone
You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone
But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size
Oh doors, doors, doors
If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room
Unless you climbed out of a window
You couldn’t get into the toilet at all
You’d have to wee into a corner
Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house
They keep out gorillas and even a mouse
You can put in a flap for your cat though
Oh doors doors doors
Some of them have a little peephole thing
And you can spy on the postman
And see what he brings
But watch out if he posts something heavy
Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot
Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too
Are accessed by going through a doorway
They have them all over in Belgium and Spain
And one or two over in Norway
Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet
Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it
I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to
Doors doors doors
Lovely doors
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Available for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
I went down to the chip shop
To go and buy some chips
I asked for some chips and a battered sausage
And a can of diet Lilt
Just as I was paying
He asked did I want anything else
I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg
And then he went and he took one out
But there was something about this pickled egg
That wasn’t really right
It was out of all proportion and
It gave me quite a fright
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Well I couldn’t quite believe it
This egg was really round
It tasted like a pickled egg
But it didn’t look like a pickled egg
It looked more like a golf ball
Without those little dents
Never before have I ever seen
Such a spherical bloody egg
Cos there was something about this pickled egg
That wasn’t really right
It was like a massive bonbon
Or a small full moon at night
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw
I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor
But I’ve never ever seen
Such a perfectly round pickled egg
As the one that I saw on that day
When I bought one from the chip shop
That’s around the corner from me
The one by the station?
No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners
Oh yes I know the one that you mean
I hear they do round pickled eggs there
Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes
Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry
I didn’t hear the start of the conversation
That’s alright.
Let me tell you ’bout it once again
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
Little baby Jesus
Sleeping in the hay
Sleepy sleepy Jesus
Oh sleep the night away
Sleeping in the morning
Sleeping late at night
Sleeping with the curtains drawn
And with his eyes shut tight
Jesus, oh Jesus
Jesus is asleep
Oh won’t you all please keep it down
Because Jesus is trying to sleep
Little baby Jesus
Sleeping peacefully
Sleeping when the TV’s on
And when I sing off key
Jesus in his manger snoring gently
What a lovely sleeping thing
Our lord and saviour be
Jesus, oh Jesus
Jesus is asleep
Oh won’t you all just shut your noise
Because Jesus is trying to sleep
Quiet, oh quiet
Won’t you please pipe down
Cos Jesus is asleep you see
Now please try not to make a sound
What did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it?
Underneath the doodar?
Right next to the wotsit?
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn’t I lend it to wossisname?
You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?
Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?
The one that used to be over there
Oh where’d I put me wossaname?
Me oobedy doo dar?
It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin’ Nora
Did I do with my thingy?
Instrumental
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin’ Nora
Did I do with my grandma?
Video by Elliot & Justin Mason
Heathcroft, Golders Green
22nd March 2010
Lyrics…
When they changed Marathon to Snickers
I nearly wet myself
And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst
I feared for my mental health
When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay
I threw my wife off a cliff
But nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar
I vomited into my socks
And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena
I nailed myself into a box
When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale
The shock turned my hair to a quiff
But nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
Why do things change?
Why do things change?
Just leave ’em be
Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me
When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania
Steam billowed out of my ears
And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner
It brought to life all of my fears
When they changed Immac to Veet I confess
I let loose a tear and a sniff
But nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark
I stabbed myself with a fork
And when they changed Labour to New Labour
I went on a three and a half mile walk
When East 17 became E17
I reached for my handkerchief
But nothing affected me quite in the way that
The day they turned Jif to Cif, did
Why do things change?
Why do things change?
Just leave ’em be
Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me
Cos nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
Why do things change?
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Trafalgar Square, London
11th March 2014
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
You told me to meet you at a quarter to four
Outside of the tube station near Trafalgar Square
I went out of the first exit
The one on the left
That’s the one I always go out
But you weren’t there
Even though I was waiting there
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh what could I do
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
I was waiting for you
I looked around just in case I hadn’t seen you properly
But you weren’t there so I looked at my phone
And pretended like I was writing a text
So that people didn’t think I was a weirdo or nothing
Just standing there
But I still couldn’t find you
Where were you?
I don’t understand
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh what could I do
Cos you weren’t there
I was waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh where had you gone?
I was so confused
I didn’t know what to do
I tried to look through all my texts to see if I’d got a message from you
But there wasn’t no message there
I don’t know where you’d gone
So I had a look round the other exits that were near Trafalgar Square
In case you’d gone into one of those
But you weren’t there either
And so I went back to the first position and just waited
I was just looking at Facebook on my phone
I was all over the place
I didn’t know whether I should stand there for any longer or just go home
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh what can I do
Cos I was there
I was waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh where the hell are you?
Cos I was there
I don’t know what to do
I’m going to go home in a minute
Cos I don’t know where oh where are you?
I was waiting for you
But you weren’t there
What can I do?
I don’t like you any more
Video by Justin & Elliot Mason
Lyrics…
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah
Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube
It makes it so much easier in the long run
And I try to tell her
Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby
Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude
Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her
Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment
And let the forks have the fork compartment?
I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her
Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?
It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake
(Cra) You’re driving me crazy
(Crazy) Driving me crazy
(Crazy) Ooooooo
(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby
(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy
(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?
(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy
(You’re so crazy) yeah
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing
Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby
Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way
Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?
Guitar Solo
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo
And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her
I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through
I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye
Video by Justin & Elliot Mason
Lyrics…
I heard about a place
Not so far away
Where people live in peace
And make love all the day
They’ve got all kinds of shops
The roads are built in blocks
There ain’t no doggy plops
You could walk round in your socks
Milton Keynes
Drive up the M1
And go past Toddington
Turn off at J14
You might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes
The locals all look pleased
And never flick the v’s
They’ve got a big Sainsburys
With twenty types of cheese
Milton Keynes
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
What did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it?
Underneath the doodar?
Right next to the wotsit?
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn’t I lend it to wossisname?
You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?
Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?
The one that used to be over there
Oh where’d I put me wossaname?
Me oobedy doo dar?
It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin’ Nora
Did I do with my thingy?
Instrumental
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin’ Nora
Did I do with my grandma?
Video by Elliot & Justin Mason
Heathcroft, Golders Green
22nd March 2010
Lyrics…
When they changed Marathon to Snickers
I nearly wet myself
And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst
I feared for my mental health
When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay
I threw my wife off a cliff
But nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar
I vomited into my socks
And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena
I nailed myself into a box
When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale
The shock turned my hair to a quiff
But nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
Why do things change?
Why do things change?
Just leave ’em be
Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me
When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania
Steam billowed out of my ears
And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner
It brought to life all of my fears
When they changed Immac to Veet I confess
I let loose a tear and a sniff
But nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark
I stabbed myself with a fork
And when they changed Labour to New Labour
I went on a three and a half mile walk
When East 17 became E17
I reached for my handkerchief
But nothing affected me quite in the way that
The day they turned Jif to Cif, did
Why do things change?
Why do things change?
Just leave ’em be
Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me
Cos nothing affected me quite the way
The day they turned Jif to Cif
Why do things change?
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Location: Pitshanger Park & Walpole Park, Ealing
Date: 25th July, 2016.
Camera – Vix Dimmock
Lyrics…
Walking in the park
Waving to a man
Looking at the sky
Working on me tan
Climbing up a tree
Reading a magazine
Playing with a dog
Eating a Callippo
Flying to the moon
Flying back again
Feeding all the ducks
Sitting on a bench
Putting a crisp bag in the bin
Tripping on a brick
Singing really high
La la la la la
Do be do be doo
Sha la la la la
Yes
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks
But I can’t find it
I don’t know where I parked it
Oh
I’m sure that I put it right over there
This just isn’t fair
What can I do?
Ooo
Is it here?
Is it there?
Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?
I really need it to get to work.
Ooo
It’s a Ford Mondeo
Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece
And I checked inside the fridge
But still no luck
I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house
But it was just a truck
Is it here?
Is it there?
Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?
I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo
Oh there it is.
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Video by Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
It was late in the evening
I was flicking through the TV guide
When I stumbled on a programme
A documentary ’bout Venetian blinds
Well I programmed up my video
And I went to bed
But when I woke up in the mornin
I done shook my head
Cos I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Well the very next day I bought a new machine
It had video plus written up the side
The man in the shop said it’s as easy as pie
And that a baby could do it if it only tried
I tried to tape the Krypton Factor
Using all the numbers
But when I played it back
It was a film about cucumbers
Cos I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Let me tell you about it right here and now people
I taped songs of praise
When it should have been snooker
I got half of Rocky
But only by fluke-a
I got episode 3 of 24 season 2
And I can’t figure out just who is who
Cos I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Well I phoned up my son in law
And asked for his advice
And he got in his car and came around
Just like that
He unplugged all my A.V. leads
And changed them to a scart
Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound
I don’t know why
He wrote out some instructions
And said nothing could go wrong
So I sat down in my comfy chair
And tried to watch King Kong
But I, ooo, I,
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Trafalgar Square, London
11th March 2014
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
You told me to meet you at a quarter to four
Outside of the tube station near Trafalgar Square
I went out of the first exit
The one on the left
That’s the one I always go out
But you weren’t there
Even though I was waiting there
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh what could I do
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
I was waiting for you
I looked around just in case I hadn’t seen you properly
But you weren’t there so I looked at my phone
And pretended like I was writing a text
So that people didn’t think I was a weirdo or nothing
Just standing there
But I still couldn’t find you
Where were you?
I don’t understand
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh what could I do
Cos you weren’t there
I was waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh where had you gone?
I was so confused
I didn’t know what to do
I tried to look through all my texts to see if I’d got a message from you
But there wasn’t no message there
I don’t know where you’d gone
So I had a look round the other exits that were near Trafalgar Square
In case you’d gone into one of those
But you weren’t there either
And so I went back to the first position and just waited
I was just looking at Facebook on my phone
I was all over the place
I didn’t know whether I should stand there for any longer or just go home
Cos I was there waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh what can I do
Cos I was there
I was waiting for you
But you weren’t there
Oh where the hell are you?
Cos I was there
I don’t know what to do
I’m going to go home in a minute
Cos I don’t know where oh where are you?
I was waiting for you
But you weren’t there
What can I do?
I don’t like you any more
Location: Pitshanger Park & Walpole Park, Ealing
Date: 25th July, 2016.
Camera – Vix Dimmock
Lyrics…
Walking in the park
Waving to a man
Looking at the sky
Working on me tan
Climbing up a tree
Reading a magazine
Playing with a dog
Eating a Callippo
Flying to the moon
Flying back again
Feeding all the ducks
Sitting on a bench
Putting a crisp bag in the bin
Tripping on a brick
Singing really high
La la la la la
Do be do be doo
Sha la la la la
Yes
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks
But I can’t find it
I don’t know where I parked it
Oh
I’m sure that I put it right over there
This just isn’t fair
What can I do?
Ooo
Is it here?
Is it there?
Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?
I really need it to get to work.
Ooo
It’s a Ford Mondeo
Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece
And I checked inside the fridge
But still no luck
I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house
But it was just a truck
Is it here?
Is it there?
Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?
I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo
Oh there it is.
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Video by Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
It was late in the evening
I was flicking through the TV guide
When I stumbled on a programme
A documentary ’bout Venetian blinds
Well I programmed up my video
And I went to bed
But when I woke up in the mornin
I done shook my head
Cos I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Well the very next day I bought a new machine
It had video plus written up the side
The man in the shop said it’s as easy as pie
And that a baby could do it if it only tried
I tried to tape the Krypton Factor
Using all the numbers
But when I played it back
It was a film about cucumbers
Cos I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Let me tell you about it right here and now people
I taped songs of praise
When it should have been snooker
I got half of Rocky
But only by fluke-a
I got episode 3 of 24 season 2
And I can’t figure out just who is who
Cos I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
Well I phoned up my son in law
And asked for his advice
And he got in his car and came around
Just like that
He unplugged all my A.V. leads
And changed them to a scart
Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound
I don’t know why
He wrote out some instructions
And said nothing could go wrong
So I sat down in my comfy chair
And tried to watch King Kong
But I, ooo, I,
I taped the wrong side
Yes I, ooo, I
I taped the wrong side
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
Life is like a movie
It costs about £8
You sit there in the darkness
And listen to the sounds
You buy a bag of popcorn
And watch the flashing lights
You tut when someone’s talking
Then walk out in the night
You get into your parked car
And drive on up the road
You talk about the movie
Then drive further up the road
You park outside your building
And walk inside the house
You make a cup of coffee
And that is how life is like a movie
Well maybe not exactly like a movie
Yeah sorry about that I got a bit distracted
Talking about going to the movies and that
You really wanna know what life is?
Well let me tell you…
Life is like a building
With automatic doors
You walk into a foyer
And glide across the floor
You go and buy a ticket
Off the lady in the booth
Then someone else tears your ticket
And shows you to a room
You stumble in the darkness
And try to find a seat
There’s something rather sticky
Underneath your feet
Then someone turns a screen on
And you watch it with your eyes
And you go home when it’s over
And now I’ve started talking about the movies again
Even though I was supposed to be telling you about how life is like a building
Oh sod it
Lyrics…
This is the song in the middle
It doesn’t really do anything
My life is wonderful
I live alone inside a cave
And it can get quite cold
And birds keep pooing all over my things
Oh well, I don’t mind because I like it in my cave
Even though a man came and stole my dog
And chopped him up for firewood
Oh my life is wonderful
I wouldn’t change it for the world
My father used to beat me up
And he wouldn’t let me go to school
He said I was useless and annoying
And a complete waste of space
He once put my guinea pig in the oven
And turned it up to gas mark 8
My life is wonderful
My wife is having an affair
I love her more than words can say
And I cry myself to sleep ever night
My life is wonderful,
I dropped my passport down a well
My finger’s got a paper cut
And I’ve run out of frizz ease for my hair
I’m now developing chest pains
And I’ve got nothing to eat
My horoscope this morning said that
My life is about to get much worse
My life is wonderful
My favourite mug has got a crack
A horse has eaten all my clothes
And my neighbours started learning the violin
He only knows ‘Frere Jacques’
And the theme from Different Strokes
I bought some peanuts the other day
And they tasted a little bit funny
My life is wonderful
My bed is made out of a pointy rocks
I’ve lost my Tesco’s Clubcard
And a bear’s just bitten off half of me leg
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
Life is like a movie
It costs about £8
You sit there in the darkness
And listen to the sounds
You buy a bag of popcorn
And watch the flashing lights
You tut when someone’s talking
Then walk out in the night
You get into your parked car
And drive on up the road
You talk about the movie
Then drive further up the road
You park outside your building
And walk inside the house
You make a cup of coffee
And that is how life is like a movie
Well maybe not exactly like a movie
Yeah sorry about that I got a bit distracted
Talking about going to the movies and that
You really wanna know what life is?
Well let me tell you…
Life is like a building
With automatic doors
You walk into a foyer
And glide across the floor
You go and buy a ticket
Off the lady in the booth
Then someone else tears your ticket
And shows you to a room
You stumble in the darkness
And try to find a seat
There’s something rather sticky
Underneath your feet
Then someone turns a screen on
And you watch it with your eyes
And you go home when it’s over
And now I’ve started talking about the movies again
Even though I was supposed to be telling you about how life is like a building
Oh sod it
My life is wonderful
I live alone inside a cave
And it can get quite cold
And birds keep pooing all over my things
Oh well, I don’t mind because I like it in my cave
Even though a man came and stole my dog
And chopped him up for firewood
Oh my life is wonderful
I wouldn’t change it for the world
My father used to beat me up
And he wouldn’t let me go to school
He said I was useless and annoying
And a complete waste of space
He once put my guinea pig in the oven
And turned it up to gas mark 8
My life is wonderful
My wife is having an affair
I love her more than words can say
And I cry myself to sleep ever night
My life is wonderful,
I dropped my passport down a well
My finger’s got a paper cut
And I’ve run out of frizz ease for my hair
I’m now developing chest pains
And I’ve got nothing to eat
My horoscope this morning said that
My life is about to get much worse
My life is wonderful
My favourite mug has got a crack
A horse has eaten all my clothes
And my neighbours started learning the violin
He only knows ‘Frere Jacques’
And the theme from Different Strokes
I bought some peanuts the other day
And they tasted a little bit funny
My life is wonderful
My bed is made out of a pointy rocks
I’ve lost my Tesco’s Clubcard
And a bear’s just bitten off half of me leg
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Lyrics…
This is the song in the middle
It doesn’t really do anything
Well I’ve been around for quite a while
And I’ve learned a thing or two
Like how to make some cheese on toast
And how to tie my shoes
I’ve mastered how to turn the lights on
And open and close a door
I know that birds go in the sky
And that cars go on the floor
Well I’m competent at vacuuming
And not too bad at spelling
I know that food goes in the mouth
And a nose is made for smelling
Oh I’m really good at blinking
And at doing up a tie
And I can eat a piece of Toblerone
Without poking myself in the eye
I can work out what the time is
Just by looking at a clock
I know which way my trousers go
And how to wear a sock
I can do my three times table
And then execute a forward roll
I can open up a box of cornflakes
And put some in bowl
Well I’m great at going up the stairs
And not bad coming down
I can hear things that make noises
Especially when they make a sound
I can walk around on tippytoes
In a shiny silver thong
But there’s one thing I can never do
And that’s remember the rest of this song
Well I’ve been around for quite a while
And I’ve learned a thing or two
Like how to make some cheese on toast
And how to tie my shoes
I’ve mastered how to turn the lights on
And open and close a door
I know that birds go in the sky
And that cars go on the floor
Well I’m competent at vacuuming
And not too bad at spelling
I know that food goes in the mouth
And a nose is made for smelling
Oh I’m really good at blinking
And at doing up a tie
And I can eat a piece of Toblerone
Without poking myself in the eye
I can work out what the time is
Just by looking at a clock
I know which way my trousers go
And how to wear a sock
I can do my three times table
And then execute a forward roll
I can open up a box of cornflakes
And put some in bowl
Well I’m great at going up the stairs
And not bad coming down
I can hear things that make noises
Especially when they make a sound
I can walk around on tippytoes
In a shiny silver thong
But there’s one thing I can never do
And that’s remember the rest of this song
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
Reaching inside a crisp bag
And pulling out all the crumbs
I’m licking them off my fingers
And licking them off my thumb
When the bag is nearly empty
And all of the crumbs are gone
I’ll have to open up another bag
Until I’ve finished with them as well
I like eating crisps oh yes I do
I put them in me mouth and I start to chew
I like eating them inside my bed
And in the bath as well yeah
I like eating crisps when I’m on my own
I like eating crisps when I’m on the phone
Except for when I fancy something else
Like I don’t know some Ryvita or something
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la crisps
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la la crisps
Me father was a peaceful man
He shot a priest and stabbed me Nan
He drowned a rabbit in the bath
And nailed his head above the hearth
Me father was a peaceful man
Me uncle was a lovely fellow
He’d punch you if you just said hello
He’d push our face into a cactus
If we moaned well then he’d whack us
Me uncle was a lovely fellow
Me sister was a super lassie
She rugby tackled Shirley Bassey
She threw a strop in KFC
And drove me car into a tree
Me sister was a super lassie
Me mother was a gentle woman
She’d shoot you if she saw you comin’
She bit the head off all who met her
Bitched about you in a letter
Me mother was a gentle woman
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Old man animation – Justin Mason
Lyrics…
There’s an old man in my garden
And I don’t know who he is
Oh well
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72
I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too
I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,
And it’s oh so nice to see you
And I’m pleased to meet you
I like to watch the programs
Like Countdown and Embarrassing Bodies
I like Superted and Inspector Morse
And Springwatch with Bill Odie
I’ve got trouble with me sinuses
And I can play the spoons
And I’m always nice and happy
When I’m singing a tune
I go la la la la la
I sing songs at the pictures
I sing songs on the bus
I sing songs with my eyes closed
Until I’ve had enough
Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72
I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too
I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,
And it’s oh so nice to see you
And I’m pleased to meet you
I was washing some pots and pans
I was washing them with my hands
But my hands were getting slightly wrinkly
And my fingers were a little crinkly
So I walked across the floor
And I looked inside a drawer
And I took out a pair of gloves
And I stuck em on me hands over me cuffs
I was scrubbing away
It was the 27th of may
But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told
Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold
Well the water started seeping in
To the inside of the glove within
And the water weighed me fingers down
And the whole thing made me wear a frown
Well I took off me broken glove
And I showed it to my beloved
And she looked at me in a way
That it would be rude of me to say
I was scrubbing away
It was the 27th of may
But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told
Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Camera – Mike Fordham
Lyrics…
Reaching inside a crisp bag
And pulling out all the crumbs
I’m licking them off my fingers
And licking them off my thumb
When the bag is nearly empty
And all of the crumbs are gone
I’ll have to open up another bag
Until I’ve finished with them as well
I like eating crisps oh yes I do
I put them in me mouth and I start to chew
I like eating them inside my bed
And in the bath as well yeah
I like eating crisps when I’m on my own
I like eating crisps when I’m on the phone
Except for when I fancy something else
Like I don’t know some Ryvita or something
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la crisps
La la la la la la
La la la la la la la la crisps
Me father was a peaceful man
He shot a priest and stabbed me Nan
He drowned a rabbit in the bath
And nailed his head above the hearth
Me father was a peaceful man
Me uncle was a lovely fellow
He’d punch you if you just said hello
He’d push our face into a cactus
If we moaned well then he’d whack us
Me uncle was a lovely fellow
Me sister was a super lassie
She rugby tackled Shirley Bassey
She threw a strop in KFC
And drove me car into a tree
Me sister was a super lassie
Me mother was a gentle woman
She’d shoot you if she saw you comin’
She bit the head off all who met her
Bitched about you in a letter
Me mother was a gentle woman
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Old man animation – Justin Mason
Lyrics…
There’s an old man in my garden
And I don’t know who he is
Oh well
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72
I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too
I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,
And it’s oh so nice to see you
And I’m pleased to meet you
I like to watch the programs
Like Countdown and Embarrassing Bodies
I like Superted and Inspector Morse
And Springwatch with Bill Odie
I’ve got trouble with me sinuses
And I can play the spoons
And I’m always nice and happy
When I’m singing a tune
I go la la la la la
I sing songs at the pictures
I sing songs on the bus
I sing songs with my eyes closed
Until I’ve had enough
Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72
I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too
I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,
And it’s oh so nice to see you
And I’m pleased to meet you
Roaming round the wreckage
And reaching for a rose
I’m reaching out to someone
Who can help me blow my nose
I’m rummaging through my raspberries
And reaching for a star
I wonder how much rhubarb
I can fit into my car
Ruminating on my rhododendrons
And raking up some rocks
I’m reeling out my fishing rod
And rolling up my socks
I’m rubbing up against you
And riding on a horse
I’ve never been to Rio
But I’ve been on a first aid course
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
If I was given a million pounds
What would I do with a million pounds
I’d make a nice sandwich and have a sit down
If I was given a million pounds
I’d build a big spaceship and fly into space
I’d have a look round and see what it’s like
I’d wave at the aliens out the window
I’d make em all sandwiches whatever they liked
I’ll take lots of beetroot and mayonnaise
And everything else that tastes nice in a sandwich
Like cheese and tomato and ham and eggs
And I’ll watch them all eat with their alien mouths
And when I’ve run out of petrol up there
I’ll say my goodbyes and come back down here
Then I’d go on a trampoline and have a sit down
If I was given a million pounds a million pounds
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Oh look wow there’s the bloody sea
I fancy going in the sea
I’m bloody going in the sea
It’s bloody freezing in the sea
Really bloody freezing in the sea
It’s bloody freezing in the sea
I’m getting used to it in the sea
It’s not too bad now in the sea
I’m getting used to it in the sea
It’s bloody lovely in the sea
I bloody love it in the sea
It’s bloody lovely in the sea
I’m getting cold now in the sea
I’m sure it’s colder in the sea
It’s getting colder in the sea
I’m getting out the bloody sea
It’s bloody freezing in the sea
I don’t know why I went in the sea
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
I was washing some pots and pans
I was washing them with my hands
But my hands were getting slightly wrinkly
And my fingers were a little crinkly
So I walked across the floor
And I looked inside a drawer
And I took out a pair of gloves
And I stuck em on me hands over me cuffs
I was scrubbing away
It was the 27th of may
But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told
Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold
Well the water started seeping in
To the inside of the glove within
And the water weighed me fingers down
And the whole thing made me wear a frown
Well I took off me broken glove
And I showed it to my beloved
And she looked at me in a way
That it would be rude of me to say
I was scrubbing away
It was the 27th of may
But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told
Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Roaming round the wreckage
And reaching for a rose
I’m reaching out to someone
Who can help me blow my nose
I’m rummaging through my raspberries
And reaching for a star
I wonder how much rhubarb
I can fit into my car
Ruminating on my rhododendrons
And raking up some rocks
I’m reeling out my fishing rod
And rolling up my socks
I’m rubbing up against you
And riding on a horse
I’ve never been to Rio
But I’ve been on a first aid course
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
If I was given a million pounds
What would I do with a million pounds
I’d make a nice sandwich and have a sit down
If I was given a million pounds
I’d build a big spaceship and fly into space
I’d have a look round and see what it’s like
I’d wave at the aliens out the window
I’d make em all sandwiches whatever they liked
I’ll take lots of beetroot and mayonnaise
And everything else that tastes nice in a sandwich
Like cheese and tomato and ham and eggs
And I’ll watch them all eat with their alien mouths
And when I’ve run out of petrol up there
I’ll say my goodbyes and come back down here
Then I’d go on a trampoline and have a sit down
If I was given a million pounds a million pounds
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
Oh look wow there’s the bloody sea
I fancy going in the sea
I’m bloody going in the sea
It’s bloody freezing in the sea
Really bloody freezing in the sea
It’s bloody freezing in the sea
I’m getting used to it in the sea
It’s not too bad now in the sea
I’m getting used to it in the sea
It’s bloody lovely in the sea
I bloody love it in the sea
It’s bloody lovely in the sea
I’m getting cold now in the sea
I’m sure it’s colder in the sea
It’s getting colder in the sea
I’m getting out the bloody sea
It’s bloody freezing in the sea
I don’t know why I went in the sea
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
@mrelliotmason
Lyrics…
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Follow me to work
Follow me back home
Follow me into the bath
Follow me on the phone
Follow me into the kitchen
Follow me off a pier
Follow me round the corner
Follow me……beer
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Follow me on twitter
Wouldn’t that be nice?
No
from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’
Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…
“Seeing Elliot Mason performing live is the second closest thing to crazy I have ever been” Katie Melua
Featuring Mat Ricardo, The Boy With Tape On His Face & The David Goo Variety Band
Main footage from Mat Ricardo’s London Varieties, Leicester Square Theatre.
Elliot Mason’s Open Toed Sandwich…
Pete Billington – Keyboard
Oli Dacombe – Drums
Elliot Mason – Vocals, Guitar
Live at The Bedford, Balham, South London on 28th November 2016, just after screening ‘The Elliot Mason Show Episode 6’ to rapturous thing.
Filmed by Spencer Kromodromou on his phone.
Lyrics…
What did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it
Underneath the doodar, right next to the wotsit?
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thingy?
Didn’t I lend it to wossisname
You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?
Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?
The one that used to be over there
Oh where’d I put me wossaname
Me oobedy doo dar
It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin’ Nora did I do with my thingy?
Instrumental
Oh what did I do with my thing?
What did I do with my thing?
Oh what the bleedin’ Nora
Did I do with my grandma?
Cabaret Roulette. Madame Jojo’s, London.
10th September 2014.
Video by Mean On The Scene Videography.
Lyrics…
When I was young
I knew that I was different
I had a giant eyeball
On my knee
I could see around corners
Just by raising my leg
And I could study everybody else’s knees
If I wore my shorts
Every time I cry
It looks as though I’ve spilt something
Down my trousers
Every time I knee a football well it really stings
It stings
It’s not easy to have an eyeball knee
No it ain’t easy to have an eyeball knee
When I have a swim
I need some special goggles
And when I shave my legs
I have to take it slow
Sometimes I sellotape leaflets
To the inside of my jeans, oh
And I can read them when I’m talking to my nan
When she jabbers on
Every time somebody kneels
Well they don’t have to think
About their eyeballs
Every time I put my pants on
Well I have to blink
To blink
It’s not easy to have an eyeball knee
No it ain’t easy to have an eyeball knee
From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
Cavendish Arms, Stockwell, London.
19th September 2013.
Filmed by KiKoo Village
Lyrics…
I went down to the chip shop
To go and buy some chips
I asked for some chips and a battered sausage
And a can of diet Lilt
Just as I was paying
He asked did I want anything else
I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg
And then he went and he took one out
But there was something about this pickled egg
That wasn’t really right
It was out of all proportion and
It gave me quite a fright
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Well I couldn’t quite believe it
This egg was really round
It tasted like a pickled egg
But it didn’t look like a pickled egg
It looked more like a golf ball
Without those little dents
Never before have I ever seen
Such a spherical bloody egg
Cos there was something about this pickled egg
That wasn’t really right
It was like a massive bonbon
Or a small full moon at night
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw
I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor
But I’ve never ever seen
Such a perfectly round pickled egg
As the one that I saw on that day
When I bought one from the chip shop
That’s around the corner from me
The one by the station?
No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners
Oh yes I know the one that you mean
I hear they do round pickled eggs there
Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes
Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry
I didn’t hear the start of the conversation
That’s alright.
Let me tell you ’bout it once again
Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see
It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen
It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg
Studio version on ‘Life Is Like A Movie’
Live At Home
100% live apart from the pre-programmed drums.
Lyrics…
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah
Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube
It makes it so much easier in the long run
And I try to tell her
Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby
Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube
Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude
Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw
And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her
Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment
And let the forks have the fork compartment?
I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her
Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?
It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake
(Cra) You’re driving me crazy
(Crazy) Driving me crazy
(Crazy) Ooooooo
(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby
(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy
(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?
(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy
(You’re so crazy) yeah
Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy
Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing
Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby
Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way
Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?
Guitar Solo
And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her
Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo
And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her
I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through
I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I am
I bought this mask from the pound shop
But I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I am
I’m probably in a boy band
But I don’t know who I am
Am I Bill?
Am I Phil?
Am I Colin?
Or maybe Gill?
Am I Steve?
Or am I Shirley?
Who am I?
Won’t somebody tell me?
Oh baby
Cos I don’t know who I am
I don’t know who I am
Won’t somebody please
Oh baby tell me
Who I am
Who am I?
Well I’ve been around for quite a while
And I’ve learned a thing or two
Like how to make some cheese on toast
And how to tie my shoes
I’ve mastered how to turn the lights on
And open and close a door
I know that birds go in the sky
And that cars go on the floor
Well I’m competent at vacuuming
And not too bad at spelling
I know that food goes in the mouth
And a nose is made for smelling
Oh I’m really good at blinking
And at doing up a tie
And I can eat a piece of Toblerone
Without poking myself in the eye
I can work out what the time is
Just by looking at a clock
I know which way my trousers go
And how to wear a sock
I can do my three times table
And then execute a forward roll
I can open up a box of cornflakes
And put some in bowl
Well I’m great at going up the stairs
And not bad coming down
I can hear things that make noises
Especially when they make a sound
I can walk around on tippytoes
In a shiny silver thong
But there’s one thing I can never do
And that’s remember the rest of this song
Sometimes in life there are things that are so extrordinary they don’t fit into any category
You’ll find some of those things here
The 3 Stages Of A Contemporary Musician
Showbiz Friends
Ghandi
The Great British Masoff
Vlog
Promotional Material
The Day They Turned Jif to Cif is the official entry of Elliot Mason’s brainwaves into the world. Never less than completely sympathetic to all his characters and their idiosyncrasies and worries, this album takes a lighter and comic look at what really bothers the people of England: moths on tellies, soap dispenser troubles, franchise confusion, identity fraud, and of course, Milton Keynes. Oh, and there’s a guy with an eyeball on his knee. In the words of Elliot Mason: “Buy my CD!”.
Tracklist…
1. Introduction
2. The Day They Turned Jif To Cif
3. Washing Up Liquid Residue
4. Someone Else
5. I Taped The Wrong Side
6. Eyeball Knee
7. The Day I Bought A Stamp
8. Moth On Me Telly
9. Milton Keynes
10. Never Going Back Again
11. My Ford Mondeo
Original Release Year: 2010
Repackaged Remastered Reissue Date: 2015
Album Artwork Design: Jamie Lenman
Mastering: Nick at Fluid Mastering
Record Label: Masonic Boom Records
CD Version: Includes an 8 page mini-newspaper lyric sheet to sing-a-long-a-to-a, free uk postage, and an enchanting badge to stare at.
‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’
A startling mixture of comedy, music, cabaret, vocal dexterity, no-song-the-same hilarity, ranging from swing, folk, rock-funk-blues, cheese, show tunes and pop, making the every day into the truly epic experience we all know it is. A one-man Muppet Show, the missing link between Spike Milligan and Mel Blanc, what music would sound like if an orchestra was crammed into Chuck Jones’s head. Elliot Mason gives you permission once again to love all the music you thought you could never admit to enjoying.
Tracklist…
1. Hey
2. The Roundest Pickled Egg I’ve Ever Seen
3. What did I do with my thing?
4. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man
5. Life Is Like A Movie
6. The Toothpaste Song
7. The Song In The Middle
8. My Life Is A Constant Search For A Pair Of Jeans That Fit
9. If You Were My Girl
10. A Tale Of Mystery Involving A Duck
11. Cecil
12. The Legend Of Neil Norman Wilkinson
13. Rainbow At Midnight
Release Date: 2015
Mastering: Nick at Fluid Mastering
Record Label: Masonic Boom Records
CD Version: Includes an 8 page lyric sheet to sing-a-long-a-to-a, free uk postage, and an enchanting badge to stare at.
This album gathers all the best bits from The Elliot Mason Show that weren’t good enough to go on my proper albums. If I was a band like Depeche Mode or something this would be considered my b-sides and rarities album. It’s not the cream of the crop, it’s more like the cream of the crap. It’s got that song about doors on it. Plus it’s free so shut your face. 🙂 x
Tracklist…
01. The Elliot Mason Show Theme
02. My Life Is Wonderful
03. What’s My Vegetable?
04. The Thumb Just Came Off My Left Marigold
05. Jabba The Hutt Slimfast Advert
06. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage
07. I Play A Prank On You!
08. The Sea
09. I’ve Got A Cold
10. The song in the middle of the cd
11. Doors
12. Celebrity Endorsement
13. There‘s An Old Man In My Garden
14. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man -Original Version
15. Period Features
16. Walking in The Park
17. A Million Pounds
18. Follow Me On Twitter
19. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage – Sad Version
20. End Credits Music
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