2012 will forever be remembered as the year I started making The Elliot Mason Show
and 2017 will forever be remembered as the year I stopped making it

Waving man about to get hit by a meteor

The return of the unmuch-loved Elliot Mason Show after a 3 year absence

 

Elliot struggles to gain an audience for his sketch show but finds hope in the form of a man called Dwight

 

Cast

 

Amir Giles, Gareth Ackland, Mike Fordham, Jenny Lockyer, Jon Roffey, Ian Newman, Charlie Coulson-Smith, Anna Thomson, James Boston, Victoria Dimmock, Ben Wren, Jonny Yeah, David Goo, Hannah Warman, Richard Frost, Dwight Schmendricks

 

Crew

 

Garden Boom – Jon Roffey

Additional Garden Sound – Mike Fordham

‘Walking In The Park’ Camera – Victoria Dimmock

Office Boom – Ben Wren

 

Written & Made by Elliot Mason

Produced by Elliot Mason & David Goo

Old man reminiscing about his old sketch show in a mockumentary

A fascinating behind-the-scenes documentary about one of the most enduring sketch shows of all time…

 

Russ Abbot’s Madhouse!

 

…I mean The Elliot Mason Show

 

Cameraman/Interviewer – David Goo

Fat man in bat man onesie eating crisps

Episode 5: Crisps

The Roundest Pickled Egg – Song

Crisps – Song

Follow Me On Twitter – Song

I Play A Prank On You! Ep 2

The classic dry cleaners joke

 

All the good camera bits by Mike Fordham 

The Elliot Mason Show Episode 4. The Chilli Incident

Episode 4: The chilli incident

What Did I Do With My Thing? – Song

I’ve Got A Cold – Song

Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage – Song

I Taped The Wrong Side – Song

Kitchen Corner – Soup Episode

Challenge Elliot – Doorbell episode

 

‘I Taped The Wrong Side’ Video by Mike Fordham

Why do things change?

Episode 3: Why do things change?

Life is like a movie – Song

Me father was a peaceful man – Song

My Ford Mondeo – Song

I Play A Prank On You – Ep 1

Barbara Dickson & Elaine Paige in the bath

 

Good camera bits by Mike Fordham

Cardboard box headed man

Episode 2: Period features

My life is wonderful – Song

The thumb just came off my left marigold – Song

Cecil – Song

What’s my vegetable?

Comedian with bells palsy

Episode 1: Bell's Palsy

Hey – Song

A Million Pounds – Song

The Sea – Song

Kitchen Corner – Cheese on toast

Jabba the Hutt – Slimfast Advert

If it’s a selection of Elliot Mason’s music videos you’ll be wanting

You’ve come to the right place

A 2ml bottle of washing up liquid residue

My wife cooked me up a lovely meal

Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel

I ate it up as quick as I could

Cos I was really hungry

And it tasted just like paradise

 

After I’d finished my lovely meal

I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal

I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming

Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair

 

I washed the plates up and I

I cleaned the spoons

I stacked the saucepans and I

I hummed a tune

I poured the water out but it was too soon

Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more

 

After I’d put all the things away

I said to myself let’s call it a day

I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on

And then I slowly drifted off to sleep

 

I dreamed of elephants and flying cars

I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars

I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath

But when I turned around

And looked on top of Catherine’s head

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Crazy weather man doing a door forecast

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.

 

Lyrics…

 

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Lovely doors

 

You can open them up

Close them again

Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend

Oh what a drafty world this would be

Without doors doors doors

 

You can paint ’em a colour

Or leave ’em alone

You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone

But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size

Oh doors, doors, doors

 

If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room

Unless you climbed out of a window

You couldn’t get into the toilet at all

You’d have to wee into a corner

 

Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house

They keep out gorillas and even a mouse

You can put in a flap for your cat though

Oh doors doors doors

 

Some of them have a little peephole thing

And you can spy on the postman

And see what he brings

But watch out if he posts something heavy

Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot

 

Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too

Are accessed by going through a doorway

They have them all over in Belgium and Spain

And one or two over in Norway

 

Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet

Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it

I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to

 

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Lovely doors

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Available for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

 

New romantic in white makeup singing

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I went down to the chip shop

To go and buy some chips

I asked for some chips and a battered sausage

And a can of diet Lilt

 

Just as I was paying

He asked did I want anything else

I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg

And then he went and he took one out

 

But there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was out of all proportion and

It gave me quite a fright

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I couldn’t quite believe it

This egg was really round

It tasted like a pickled egg

But it didn’t look like a pickled egg

 

It looked more like a golf ball

Without those little dents

Never before have I ever seen

Such a spherical bloody egg

 

Cos there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was like a massive bonbon

Or a small full moon at night

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw

I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor

But I’ve never ever seen

Such a perfectly round pickled egg

As the one that I saw on that day

When I bought one from the chip shop

That’s around the corner from me

The one by the station?

No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners

Oh yes I know the one that you mean

I hear they do round pickled eggs there

Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes

Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry

I didn’t hear the start of the conversation

That’s alright.

Let me tell you ’bout it once again

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Some over enthusiastic Christians singing a hymn

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping in the hay

Sleepy sleepy Jesus

Oh sleep the night away

 

Sleeping in the morning

Sleeping late at night

Sleeping with the curtains drawn

And with his eyes shut tight

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all please keep it down

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping peacefully

Sleeping when the TV’s on

And when I sing off key

 

Jesus in his manger snoring gently

What a lovely sleeping thing

Our lord and saviour be

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all just shut your noise

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Quiet, oh quiet

Won’t you please pipe down

Cos Jesus is asleep you see

Now please try not to make a sound

Dark side of the moon Pink Floyd album cover with added toothpaste by Justin Mason

Video by Justin & Elliot Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube

It makes it so much easier in the long run

 

And I try to tell her

Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby

Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude

 

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment

And let the forks have the fork compartment?

 

I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?

It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

 

(Cra) You’re driving me crazy

(Crazy) Driving me crazy

(Crazy) Ooooooo

(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby

 

(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy

(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?

(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy

(You’re so crazy) yeah

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

 

Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby

Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way

Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?

 

Guitar Solo

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo

 

And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her

 

I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through

I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

A lady from the 1940s asleep in bed in full makeup

Video by Justin & Elliot Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

I heard about a place

Not so far away

Where people live in peace

And make love all the day

 

They’ve got all kinds of shops

The roads are built in blocks

There ain’t no doggy plops

You could walk round in your socks

Milton Keynes

 

Drive up the M1

And go past Toddington

Turn off at J14

You might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes

 

The locals all look pleased

And never flick the v’s

They’ve got a big Sainsburys

With twenty types of cheese

Milton Keynes

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

A 2ml bottle of washing up liquid residue

My wife cooked me up a lovely meal

Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel

I ate it up as quick as I could

Cos I was really hungry

And it tasted just like paradise

 

After I’d finished my lovely meal

I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal

I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming

Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair

 

I washed the plates up and I

I cleaned the spoons

I stacked the saucepans and I

I hummed a tune

I poured the water out but it was too soon

Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more

 

After I’d put all the things away

I said to myself let’s call it a day

I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on

And then I slowly drifted off to sleep

 

I dreamed of elephants and flying cars

I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars

I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath

But when I turned around

And looked on top of Catherine’s head

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Crazy weather man doing a door forecast

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.

 

Lyrics…

 

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Lovely doors

 

You can open them up

Close them again

Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend

Oh what a drafty world this would be

Without doors doors doors

 

You can paint ’em a colour

Or leave ’em alone

You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone

But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size

Oh doors, doors, doors

 

If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room

Unless you climbed out of a window

You couldn’t get into the toilet at all

You’d have to wee into a corner

 

Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house

They keep out gorillas and even a mouse

You can put in a flap for your cat though

Oh doors doors doors

 

Some of them have a little peephole thing

And you can spy on the postman

And see what he brings

But watch out if he posts something heavy

Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot

 

Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too

Are accessed by going through a doorway

They have them all over in Belgium and Spain

And one or two over in Norway

 

Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet

Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it

I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to

Doors doors doors

 

Lovely doors

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Available for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

New romantic in white makeup singing

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I went down to the chip shop

To go and buy some chips

I asked for some chips and a battered sausage

And a can of diet Lilt

 

Just as I was paying

He asked did I want anything else

I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg

And then he went and he took one out

 

But there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was out of all proportion and

It gave me quite a fright

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I couldn’t quite believe it

This egg was really round

It tasted like a pickled egg

But it didn’t look like a pickled egg

 

It looked more like a golf ball

Without those little dents

Never before have I ever seen

Such a spherical bloody egg

 

Cos there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was like a massive bonbon

Or a small full moon at night

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw

I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor

But I’ve never ever seen

Such a perfectly round pickled egg

As the one that I saw on that day

When I bought one from the chip shop

That’s around the corner from me

The one by the station?

No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners

Oh yes I know the one that you mean

I hear they do round pickled eggs there

Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes

Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry

I didn’t hear the start of the conversation

That’s alright.

Let me tell you ’bout it once again

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Some over enthusiastic Christians singing a hymn

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping in the hay

Sleepy sleepy Jesus

Oh sleep the night away

 

Sleeping in the morning

Sleeping late at night

Sleeping with the curtains drawn

And with his eyes shut tight

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all please keep it down

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping peacefully

Sleeping when the TV’s on

And when I sing off key

 

Jesus in his manger snoring gently

What a lovely sleeping thing

Our lord and saviour be

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all just shut your noise

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Quiet, oh quiet

Won’t you please pipe down

Cos Jesus is asleep you see

Now please try not to make a sound

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it?

Underneath the doodar?

Right next to the wotsit?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I lend it to wossisname?

You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?

The one that used to be over there

Oh where’d I put me wossaname?

Me oobedy doo dar?

It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my thingy?

 

Instrumental

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my grandma?

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Folk singer spraying cif bathroom cleaner

Video by Elliot & Justin Mason

 

Heathcroft, Golders Green

22nd March 2010

 

Lyrics…

 

When they changed Marathon to Snickers

I nearly wet myself

And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst

I feared for my mental health

When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay

I threw my wife off a cliff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar

I vomited into my socks

And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena

I nailed myself into a box

When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale

The shock turned my hair to a quiff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania

Steam billowed out of my ears

And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner

It brought to life all of my fears

When they changed Immac to Veet I confess

I let loose a tear and a sniff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark

I stabbed myself with a fork

And when they changed Labour to New Labour

I went on a three and a half mile walk

When East 17 became E17

I reached for my handkerchief

But nothing affected me quite in the way that

The day they turned Jif to Cif, did

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

Cos nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change?

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Comedian sitting on steps in Trafalgar Square

Trafalgar Square, London

11th March 2014

 

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

You told me to meet you at a quarter to four

Outside of the tube station near Trafalgar Square

I went out of the first exit

The one on the left

That’s the one I always go out

But you weren’t there

Even though I was waiting there

 

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh what could I do

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

I was waiting for you

 

I looked around just in case I hadn’t seen you properly

But you weren’t there so I looked at my phone

And pretended like I was writing a text

So that people didn’t think I was a weirdo or nothing

Just standing there

But I still couldn’t find you

Where were you?

I don’t understand

 

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh what could I do

Cos you weren’t there

I was waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh where had you gone?

 

I was so confused

I didn’t know what to do

I tried to look through all my texts to see if I’d got a message from you

But there wasn’t no message there

I don’t know where you’d gone

So I had a look round the other exits that were near Trafalgar Square

In case you’d gone into one of those

But you weren’t there either

And so I went back to the first position and just waited

I was just looking at Facebook on my phone

I was all over the place

I didn’t know whether I should stand there for any longer or just go home

 

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh what can I do

Cos I was there

I was waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh where the hell are you?

 

Cos I was there

I don’t know what to do

I’m going to go home in a minute

Cos I don’t know where oh where are you?

I was waiting for you

But you weren’t there

What can I do?

I don’t like you any more

Dark side of the moon Pink Floyd album cover with added toothpaste by Justin Mason

Video by Justin & Elliot Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube

It makes it so much easier in the long run

 

And I try to tell her

Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby

Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude

 

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment

And let the forks have the fork compartment?

 

I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?

It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

 

(Cra) You’re driving me crazy

(Crazy) Driving me crazy

(Crazy) Ooooooo

(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby

 

(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy

(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?

(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy

(You’re so crazy) yeah

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

 

Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby

Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way

Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?

 

Guitar Solo

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo

 

And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her

 

I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through

I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

A lady from the 1940s asleep in bed in full makeup

Video by Justin & Elliot Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

I heard about a place

Not so far away

Where people live in peace

And make love all the day

 

They’ve got all kinds of shops

The roads are built in blocks

There ain’t no doggy plops

You could walk round in your socks

Milton Keynes

 

Drive up the M1

And go past Toddington

Turn off at J14

You might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes

 

The locals all look pleased

And never flick the v’s

They’ve got a big Sainsburys

With twenty types of cheese

Milton Keynes

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it?

Underneath the doodar?

Right next to the wotsit?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I lend it to wossisname?

You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?

The one that used to be over there

Oh where’d I put me wossaname?

Me oobedy doo dar?

It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my thingy?

 

Instrumental

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my grandma?

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Folk singer spraying cif bathroom cleaner

Video by Elliot & Justin Mason

 

Heathcroft, Golders Green

22nd March 2010

 

Lyrics…

 

When they changed Marathon to Snickers

I nearly wet myself

And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst

I feared for my mental health

When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay

I threw my wife off a cliff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar

I vomited into my socks

And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena

I nailed myself into a box

When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale

The shock turned my hair to a quiff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania

Steam billowed out of my ears

And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner

It brought to life all of my fears

When they changed Immac to Veet I confess

I let loose a tear and a sniff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark

I stabbed myself with a fork

And when they changed Labour to New Labour

I went on a three and a half mile walk

When East 17 became E17

I reached for my handkerchief

But nothing affected me quite in the way that

The day they turned Jif to Cif, did

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

Cos nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change?

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Crazy man with big red hair sat next to an old accordionist on a bench

Location: Pitshanger Park & Walpole Park, Ealing

Date: 25th July, 2016.

 

Camera – Vix Dimmock

 

Lyrics…

 

Walking in the park

Waving to a man

Looking at the sky

Working on me tan

 

Climbing up a tree

Reading a magazine

Playing with a dog

Eating a Callippo

 

Flying to the moon

Flying back again

Feeding all the ducks

Sitting on a bench

 

Putting a crisp bag in the bin

Tripping on a brick

Singing really high

 

La la la la la

Do be do be doo

Sha la la la la

 

Yes

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Man in a nice suit

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks

But I can’t find it

I don’t know where I parked it

 

Oh

I’m sure that I put it right over there

This just isn’t fair

What can I do?

Ooo

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?

I really need it to get to work.

Ooo

It’s a Ford Mondeo

 

Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece

And I checked inside the fridge

But still no luck

I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house

But it was just a truck

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?

I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo

Oh there it is.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Blues with a shaker

Video by Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

It was late in the evening

I was flicking through the TV guide

When I stumbled on a programme

A documentary ’bout Venetian blinds

 

Well I programmed up my video

And I went to bed

But when I woke up in the mornin

I done shook my head

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well the very next day I bought a new machine

It had video plus written up the side

The man in the shop said it’s as easy as pie

And that a baby could do it if it only tried

 

I tried to tape the Krypton Factor

Using all the numbers

But when I played it back

It was a film about cucumbers

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Let me tell you about it right here and now people

 

I taped songs of praise

When it should have been snooker

I got half of Rocky

But only by fluke-a

I got episode 3 of 24 season 2

And I can’t figure out just who is who

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well I phoned up my son in law

And asked for his advice

And he got in his car and came around

Just like that

He unplugged all my A.V. leads

And changed them to a scart

Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound

I don’t know why

 

He wrote out some instructions

And said nothing could go wrong

So I sat down in my comfy chair

And tried to watch King Kong

But I, ooo, I,

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Comedian sitting on steps in Trafalgar Square

Trafalgar Square, London

11th March 2014

 

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

You told me to meet you at a quarter to four

Outside of the tube station near Trafalgar Square

I went out of the first exit

The one on the left

That’s the one I always go out

But you weren’t there

Even though I was waiting there

 

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh what could I do

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

I was waiting for you

 

I looked around just in case I hadn’t seen you properly

But you weren’t there so I looked at my phone

And pretended like I was writing a text

So that people didn’t think I was a weirdo or nothing

Just standing there

But I still couldn’t find you

Where were you?

I don’t understand

 

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh what could I do

Cos you weren’t there

I was waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh where had you gone?

 

I was so confused

I didn’t know what to do

I tried to look through all my texts to see if I’d got a message from you

But there wasn’t no message there

I don’t know where you’d gone

So I had a look round the other exits that were near Trafalgar Square

In case you’d gone into one of those

But you weren’t there either

And so I went back to the first position and just waited

I was just looking at Facebook on my phone

I was all over the place

I didn’t know whether I should stand there for any longer or just go home

 

Cos I was there waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh what can I do

Cos I was there

I was waiting for you

But you weren’t there

Oh where the hell are you?

 

Cos I was there

I don’t know what to do

I’m going to go home in a minute

Cos I don’t know where oh where are you?

I was waiting for you

But you weren’t there

What can I do?

I don’t like you any more

Crazy man with big red hair sat next to an old accordionist on a bench

Location: Pitshanger Park & Walpole Park, Ealing

Date: 25th July, 2016.

 

Camera – Vix Dimmock

 

Lyrics…

 

Walking in the park

Waving to a man

Looking at the sky

Working on me tan

 

Climbing up a tree

Reading a magazine

Playing with a dog

Eating a Callippo

 

Flying to the moon

Flying back again

Feeding all the ducks

Sitting on a bench

 

Putting a crisp bag in the bin

Tripping on a brick

Singing really high

 

La la la la la

Do be do be doo

Sha la la la la

 

Yes

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Man in a nice suit

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks

But I can’t find it

I don’t know where I parked it

 

Oh

I’m sure that I put it right over there

This just isn’t fair

What can I do?

Ooo

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?

I really need it to get to work.

Ooo

It’s a Ford Mondeo

 

Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece

And I checked inside the fridge

But still no luck

I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house

But it was just a truck

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?

I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo

Oh there it is.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Blues with a shaker

Video by Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

It was late in the evening

I was flicking through the TV guide

When I stumbled on a programme

A documentary ’bout Venetian blinds

 

Well I programmed up my video

And I went to bed

But when I woke up in the mornin

I done shook my head

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well the very next day I bought a new machine

It had video plus written up the side

The man in the shop said it’s as easy as pie

And that a baby could do it if it only tried

 

I tried to tape the Krypton Factor

Using all the numbers

But when I played it back

It was a film about cucumbers

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Let me tell you about it right here and now people

 

I taped songs of praise

When it should have been snooker

I got half of Rocky

But only by fluke-a

I got episode 3 of 24 season 2

And I can’t figure out just who is who

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well I phoned up my son in law

And asked for his advice

And he got in his car and came around

Just like that

He unplugged all my A.V. leads

And changed them to a scart

Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound

I don’t know why

 

He wrote out some instructions

And said nothing could go wrong

So I sat down in my comfy chair

And tried to watch King Kong

But I, ooo, I,

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Life is like a movie

It costs about £8

You sit there in the darkness

And listen to the sounds

 

You buy a bag of popcorn

And watch the flashing lights

You tut when someone’s talking

Then walk out in the night

 

You get into your parked car

And drive on up the road

You talk about the movie

Then drive further up the road

 

You park outside your building

And walk inside the house

You make a cup of coffee

And that is how life is like a movie

Well maybe not exactly like a movie

 

Yeah sorry about that I got a bit distracted

Talking about going to the movies and that

You really wanna know what life is?

Well let me tell you…

 

Life is like a building

With automatic doors

You walk into a foyer

And glide across the floor

 

You go and buy a ticket

Off the lady in the booth

Then someone else tears your ticket

And shows you to a room

 

You stumble in the darkness

And try to find a seat

There’s something rather sticky

Underneath your feet

 

Then someone turns a screen on

And you watch it with your eyes

And you go home when it’s over

And now I’ve started talking about the movies again

Even though I was supposed to be telling you about how life is like a building

Oh sod it

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Man sitting on some wooden palettes

Lyrics…

 

This is the song in the middle

It doesn’t really do anything

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Tramp with big afro covered in litter

My life is wonderful

I live alone inside a cave

And it can get quite cold

And birds keep pooing all over my things

 

Oh well, I don’t mind because I like it in my cave

Even though a man came and stole my dog

And chopped him up for firewood

 

Oh my life is wonderful

I wouldn’t change it for the world

My father used to beat me up

And he wouldn’t let me go to school

 

He said I was useless and annoying

And a complete waste of space

He once put my guinea pig in the oven

And turned it up to gas mark 8

 

My life is wonderful

My wife is having an affair

I love her more than words can say

And I cry myself to sleep ever night

 

My life is wonderful,

I dropped my passport down a well

My finger’s got a paper cut

And I’ve run out of frizz ease for my hair

 

I’m now developing chest pains

And I’ve got nothing to eat

My horoscope this morning said that

My life is about to get much worse

 

My life is wonderful

My favourite mug has got a crack

A horse has eaten all my clothes

And my neighbours started learning the violin

 

He only knows ‘Frere Jacques’

And the theme from Different Strokes

I bought some peanuts the other day

And they tasted a little bit funny

 

My life is wonderful

My bed is made out of a pointy rocks

I’ve lost my Tesco’s Clubcard

And a bear’s just bitten off half of me leg

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Life is like a movie

It costs about £8

You sit there in the darkness

And listen to the sounds

 

You buy a bag of popcorn

And watch the flashing lights

You tut when someone’s talking

Then walk out in the night

 

You get into your parked car

And drive on up the road

You talk about the movie

Then drive further up the road

 

You park outside your building

And walk inside the house

You make a cup of coffee

And that is how life is like a movie

Well maybe not exactly like a movie

 

Yeah sorry about that I got a bit distracted

Talking about going to the movies and that

You really wanna know what life is?

Well let me tell you…

 

Life is like a building

With automatic doors

You walk into a foyer

And glide across the floor

 

You go and buy a ticket

Off the lady in the booth

Then someone else tears your ticket

And shows you to a room

 

You stumble in the darkness

And try to find a seat

There’s something rather sticky

Underneath your feet

 

Then someone turns a screen on

And you watch it with your eyes

And you go home when it’s over

And now I’ve started talking about the movies again

Even though I was supposed to be telling you about how life is like a building

Oh sod it

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Tramp with big afro covered in litter

My life is wonderful

I live alone inside a cave

And it can get quite cold

And birds keep pooing all over my things

 

Oh well, I don’t mind because I like it in my cave

Even though a man came and stole my dog

And chopped him up for firewood

 

Oh my life is wonderful

I wouldn’t change it for the world

My father used to beat me up

And he wouldn’t let me go to school

 

He said I was useless and annoying

And a complete waste of space

He once put my guinea pig in the oven

And turned it up to gas mark 8

 

My life is wonderful

My wife is having an affair

I love her more than words can say

And I cry myself to sleep ever night

 

My life is wonderful,

I dropped my passport down a well

My finger’s got a paper cut

And I’ve run out of frizz ease for my hair

 

I’m now developing chest pains

And I’ve got nothing to eat

My horoscope this morning said that

My life is about to get much worse

 

My life is wonderful

My favourite mug has got a crack

A horse has eaten all my clothes

And my neighbours started learning the violin

 

He only knows ‘Frere Jacques’

And the theme from Different Strokes

I bought some peanuts the other day

And they tasted a little bit funny

 

My life is wonderful

My bed is made out of a pointy rocks

I’ve lost my Tesco’s Clubcard

And a bear’s just bitten off half of me leg

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Man sitting on some wooden palettes

Lyrics…

 

This is the song in the middle

It doesn’t really do anything

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Elliot Mason singing in his bedroom

Well I’ve been around for quite a while

And I’ve learned a thing or two

Like how to make some cheese on toast

And how to tie my shoes

 

I’ve mastered how to turn the lights on

And open and close a door

I know that birds go in the sky

And that cars go on the floor

 

Well I’m competent at vacuuming

And not too bad at spelling

I know that food goes in the mouth

And a nose is made for smelling

 

Oh I’m really good at blinking

And at doing up a tie

And I can eat a piece of Toblerone

Without poking myself in the eye

 

I can work out what the time is

Just by looking at a clock

I know which way my trousers go

And how to wear a sock

 

I can do my three times table

And then execute a forward roll

I can open up a box of cornflakes

And put some in bowl

 

Well I’m great at going up the stairs

And not bad coming down

I can hear things that make noises

Especially when they make a sound

 

I can walk around on tippytoes

In a shiny silver thong

But there’s one thing I can never do

And that’s remember the rest of this song

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Elliot Mason singing in his bedroom

Well I’ve been around for quite a while

And I’ve learned a thing or two

Like how to make some cheese on toast

And how to tie my shoes

 

I’ve mastered how to turn the lights on

And open and close a door

I know that birds go in the sky

And that cars go on the floor

 

Well I’m competent at vacuuming

And not too bad at spelling

I know that food goes in the mouth

And a nose is made for smelling

 

Oh I’m really good at blinking

And at doing up a tie

And I can eat a piece of Toblerone

Without poking myself in the eye

 

I can work out what the time is

Just by looking at a clock

I know which way my trousers go

And how to wear a sock

 

I can do my three times table

And then execute a forward roll

I can open up a box of cornflakes

And put some in bowl

 

Well I’m great at going up the stairs

And not bad coming down

I can hear things that make noises

Especially when they make a sound

 

I can walk around on tippytoes

In a shiny silver thong

But there’s one thing I can never do

And that’s remember the rest of this song

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Fat man in bat man onesie eating crisps

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Reaching inside a crisp bag

And pulling out all the crumbs

I’m licking them off my fingers

And licking them off my thumb

 

When the bag is nearly empty

And all of the crumbs are gone

I’ll have to open up another bag

Until I’ve finished with them as well

 

I like eating crisps oh yes I do

I put them in me mouth and I start to chew

I like eating them inside my bed

And in the bath as well yeah

 

I like eating crisps when I’m on my own

I like eating crisps when I’m on the phone

Except for when I fancy something else

Like I don’t know some Ryvita or something

 

La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la crisps

La la la la la la

La la la la la la la la crisps

Crazy guitarist in shower cap

Me father was a peaceful man

He shot a priest and stabbed me Nan

He drowned a rabbit in the bath

And nailed his head above the hearth

Me father was a peaceful man

 

Me uncle was a lovely fellow

He’d punch you if you just said hello

He’d push our face into a cactus

If we moaned well then he’d whack us

Me uncle was a lovely fellow

 

Me sister was a super lassie

She rugby tackled Shirley Bassey

She threw a strop in KFC

And drove me car into a tree

Me sister was a super lassie

 

Me mother was a gentle woman

She’d shoot you if she saw you comin’

She bit the head off all who met her

Bitched about you in a letter

Me mother was a gentle woman

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Comedian Elliot Mason looking out of his window

Old man animation – Justin Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

There’s an old man in my garden

And I don’t know who he is

Oh well

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Cotton wool beard and eyebrows

Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72

I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too

I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,

And it’s oh so nice to see you

And I’m pleased to meet you

 

I like to watch the programs

Like Countdown and Embarrassing Bodies

I like Superted and Inspector Morse

And Springwatch with Bill Odie

I’ve got trouble with me sinuses

And I can play the spoons

And I’m always nice and happy

When I’m singing a tune

 

I go la la la la la

 

I sing songs at the pictures

I sing songs on the bus

I sing songs with my eyes closed

Until I’ve had enough

 

Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72

I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too

I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,

And it’s oh so nice to see you

And I’m pleased to meet you

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Washing up some pots and pans

I was washing some pots and pans

I was washing them with my hands

But my hands were getting slightly wrinkly

And my fingers were a little crinkly

 

So I walked across the floor

And I looked inside a drawer

And I took out a pair of gloves

And I stuck em on me hands over me cuffs

 

I was scrubbing away

It was the 27th of may

But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told

Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold

 

Well the water started seeping in

To the inside of the glove within

And the water weighed me fingers down

And the whole thing made me wear a frown

 

Well I took off me broken glove

And I showed it to my beloved

And she looked at me in a way

That it would be rude of me to say

 

I was scrubbing away

It was the 27th of may

But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told

Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Fat man in bat man onesie eating crisps

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Reaching inside a crisp bag

And pulling out all the crumbs

I’m licking them off my fingers

And licking them off my thumb

 

When the bag is nearly empty

And all of the crumbs are gone

I’ll have to open up another bag

Until I’ve finished with them as well

 

I like eating crisps oh yes I do

I put them in me mouth and I start to chew

I like eating them inside my bed

And in the bath as well yeah

 

I like eating crisps when I’m on my own

I like eating crisps when I’m on the phone

Except for when I fancy something else

Like I don’t know some Ryvita or something

 

La la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la crisps

La la la la la la

La la la la la la la la crisps

Crazy guitarist in shower cap

Me father was a peaceful man

He shot a priest and stabbed me Nan

He drowned a rabbit in the bath

And nailed his head above the hearth

Me father was a peaceful man

 

Me uncle was a lovely fellow

He’d punch you if you just said hello

He’d push our face into a cactus

If we moaned well then he’d whack us

Me uncle was a lovely fellow

 

Me sister was a super lassie

She rugby tackled Shirley Bassey

She threw a strop in KFC

And drove me car into a tree

Me sister was a super lassie

 

Me mother was a gentle woman

She’d shoot you if she saw you comin’

She bit the head off all who met her

Bitched about you in a letter

Me mother was a gentle woman

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Comedian Elliot Mason looking out of his window

Old man animation – Justin Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

There’s an old man in my garden

And I don’t know who he is

Oh well

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Cotton wool beard and eyebrows

Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72

I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too

I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,

And it’s oh so nice to see you

And I’m pleased to meet you

 

I like to watch the programs

Like Countdown and Embarrassing Bodies

I like Superted and Inspector Morse

And Springwatch with Bill Odie

I’ve got trouble with me sinuses

And I can play the spoons

And I’m always nice and happy

When I’m singing a tune

 

I go la la la la la

 

I sing songs at the pictures

I sing songs on the bus

I sing songs with my eyes closed

Until I’ve had enough

 

Hello my name is Cecil and I’m 72

I’ve 67 sisters and a step sister too

I like sausages satsumas, salads, celery soup,

And it’s oh so nice to see you

And I’m pleased to meet you

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Acoustic guitarist outside with an afro wig

Roaming round the wreckage

And reaching for a rose

I’m reaching out to someone

Who can help me blow my nose

 

I’m rummaging through my raspberries

And reaching for a star

I wonder how much rhubarb

I can fit into my car

 

Ruminating on my rhododendrons

And raking up some rocks

I’m reeling out my fishing rod

And rolling up my socks

 

I’m rubbing up against you

And riding on a horse

I’ve never been to Rio

But I’ve been on a first aid course

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Man playing ukulele in the garden with a straw hat on

If I was given a million pounds

What would I do with a million pounds

I’d make a nice sandwich and have a sit down

If I was given a million pounds

 

I’d build a big spaceship and fly into space

I’d have a look round and see what it’s like

I’d wave at the aliens out the window

I’d make em all sandwiches whatever they liked

 

I’ll take lots of beetroot and mayonnaise

And everything else that tastes nice in a sandwich

Like cheese and tomato and ham and eggs

And I’ll watch them all eat with their alien mouths

 

And when I’ve run out of petrol up there

I’ll say my goodbyes and come back down here

Then I’d go on a trampoline and have a sit down

If I was given a million pounds a million pounds

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

1950s beach

Oh look wow there’s the bloody sea

I fancy going in the sea

I’m bloody going in the sea

 

It’s bloody freezing in the sea

Really bloody freezing in the sea

It’s bloody freezing in the sea

 

I’m getting used to it in the sea

It’s not too bad now in the sea

I’m getting used to it in the sea

 

It’s bloody lovely in the sea

I bloody love it in the sea

It’s bloody lovely in the sea

 

I’m getting cold now in the sea

I’m sure it’s colder in the sea

It’s getting colder in the sea

 

I’m getting out the bloody sea

It’s bloody freezing in the sea

I don’t know why I went in the sea

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Washing up some pots and pans

I was washing some pots and pans

I was washing them with my hands

But my hands were getting slightly wrinkly

And my fingers were a little crinkly

 

So I walked across the floor

And I looked inside a drawer

And I took out a pair of gloves

And I stuck em on me hands over me cuffs

 

I was scrubbing away

It was the 27th of may

But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told

Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold

 

Well the water started seeping in

To the inside of the glove within

And the water weighed me fingers down

And the whole thing made me wear a frown

 

Well I took off me broken glove

And I showed it to my beloved

And she looked at me in a way

That it would be rude of me to say

 

I was scrubbing away

It was the 27th of may

But I scrubbed too hard if truth be told

Cos the thumb just came off my left marigold

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Acoustic guitarist outside with an afro wig

Roaming round the wreckage

And reaching for a rose

I’m reaching out to someone

Who can help me blow my nose

 

I’m rummaging through my raspberries

And reaching for a star

I wonder how much rhubarb

I can fit into my car

 

Ruminating on my rhododendrons

And raking up some rocks

I’m reeling out my fishing rod

And rolling up my socks

 

I’m rubbing up against you

And riding on a horse

I’ve never been to Rio

But I’ve been on a first aid course

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Man playing ukulele in the garden with a straw hat on

If I was given a million pounds

What would I do with a million pounds

I’d make a nice sandwich and have a sit down

If I was given a million pounds

 

I’d build a big spaceship and fly into space

I’d have a look round and see what it’s like

I’d wave at the aliens out the window

I’d make em all sandwiches whatever they liked

 

I’ll take lots of beetroot and mayonnaise

And everything else that tastes nice in a sandwich

Like cheese and tomato and ham and eggs

And I’ll watch them all eat with their alien mouths

 

And when I’ve run out of petrol up there

I’ll say my goodbyes and come back down here

Then I’d go on a trampoline and have a sit down

If I was given a million pounds a million pounds

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

1950s beach

Oh look wow there’s the bloody sea

I fancy going in the sea

I’m bloody going in the sea

 

It’s bloody freezing in the sea

Really bloody freezing in the sea

It’s bloody freezing in the sea

 

I’m getting used to it in the sea

It’s not too bad now in the sea

I’m getting used to it in the sea

 

It’s bloody lovely in the sea

I bloody love it in the sea

It’s bloody lovely in the sea

 

I’m getting cold now in the sea

I’m sure it’s colder in the sea

It’s getting colder in the sea

 

I’m getting out the bloody sea

It’s bloody freezing in the sea

I don’t know why I went in the sea

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

Scary man with blond hair and snow white eyebrows

@mrelliotmason

 

Lyrics…

 

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

Follow me to work

Follow me back home

Follow me into the bath

Follow me on the phone

 

Follow me into the kitchen

Follow me off a pier

Follow me round the corner

Follow me……beer

 

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Follow me on twitter

Wouldn’t that be nice?

 

No

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Get it for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter…

“Seeing Elliot Mason performing live is the second closest thing to crazy I have ever been” Katie Melua

Featuring Mat Ricardo, The Boy With Tape On His Face & The David Goo Variety Band

 

Main footage from Mat Ricardo’s London Varieties, Leicester Square Theatre.

 

 

‘If You Were My Girl’ is from

‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

3 piece comedy band

Elliot Mason’s Open Toed Sandwich…

 

Pete Billington – Keyboard

Oli Dacombe – Drums

Elliot Mason – Vocals, Guitar

 

 

Live at The Bedford, Balham, South London on 28th November 2016, just after screening ‘The Elliot Mason Show Episode 6’ to rapturous thing.

 

 

Filmed by Spencer Kromodromou on his phone.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it

Underneath the doodar, right next to the wotsit?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I lend it to wossisname

You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?

The one that used to be over there

Oh where’d I put me wossaname

Me oobedy doo dar

It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora did I do with my thingy?

 

Instrumental

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my grandma?

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Musical comedian Elliot Mason live on stage at Madame Jojos dressed as an alien with an eyeball on his knee

Cabaret Roulette. Madame Jojo’s, London.

10th September 2014.

 

Video by Mean On The Scene Videography.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

When I was young

I knew that I was different

I had a giant eyeball

On my knee

 

I could see around corners

Just by raising my leg

And I could study everybody else’s knees

If I wore my shorts

 

Every time I cry

It looks as though I’ve spilt something

Down my trousers

Every time I knee a football well it really stings

It stings

 

It’s not easy to have an eyeball knee

No it ain’t easy to have an eyeball knee

 

When I have a swim

I need some special goggles

And when I shave my legs

I have to take it slow

 

Sometimes I sellotape leaflets

To the inside of my jeans, oh

And I can read them when I’m talking to my nan

When she jabbers on

 

Every time somebody kneels

Well they don’t have to think

About their eyeballs

Every time I put my pants on

Well I have to blink

To blink

 

It’s not easy to have an eyeball knee

No it ain’t easy to have an eyeball knee

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Elliot Mason at the Cavendish Arms with his arm in the air

Cavendish Arms, Stockwell, London.

19th September 2013.

 

Filmed by KiKoo Village

 

 

Lyrics…

 

I went down to the chip shop

To go and buy some chips

I asked for some chips and a battered sausage

And a can of diet Lilt

 

Just as I was paying

He asked did I want anything else

I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg

And then he went and he took one out

 

But there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was out of all proportion and

It gave me quite a fright

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I couldn’t quite believe it

This egg was really round

It tasted like a pickled egg

But it didn’t look like a pickled egg

 

It looked more like a golf ball

Without those little dents

Never before have I ever seen

Such a spherical bloody egg

 

Cos there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was like a massive bonbon

Or a small full moon at night

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw

I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor

But I’ve never ever seen

Such a perfectly round pickled egg

As the one that I saw on that day

When I bought one from the chip shop

That’s around the corner from me

The one by the station?

No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners

Oh yes I know the one that you mean

I hear they do round pickled eggs there

Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes

Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry

I didn’t hear the start of the conversation

That’s alright.

Let me tell you ’bout it once again

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

 

Studio version on ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Live At Home

Multi instrumentalist playing a song about toothpaste live at home

100% live apart from the pre-programmed drums.

 

Lyrics…

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube

It makes it so much easier in the long run

 

And I try to tell her

Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby

Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude

 

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment

And let the forks have the fork compartment?

 

I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?

It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

 

(Cra) You’re driving me crazy

(Crazy) Driving me crazy

(Crazy) Ooooooo

(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby

 

(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy

(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?

(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy

(You’re so crazy) yeah

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby

Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way

Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?

 

Guitar Solo

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo

 

And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her

I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through

I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

I don't know who I am. Song.

I don’t know who I am

I don’t know who I am

I bought this mask from the pound shop

But I don’t know who I am

 

I don’t know who I am

I don’t know who I am

I’m probably in a boy band

But I don’t know who I am

 

Am I Bill?

Am I Phil?

Am I Colin?

Or maybe Gill?

 

Am I Steve?

Or am I Shirley?

Who am I?

Won’t somebody tell me?

Oh baby

 

Cos I don’t know who I am

I don’t know who I am

 

Won’t somebody please

Oh baby tell me

Who I am

 

Who am I?

Scary blues man in black and white

Well I’ve been around for quite a while

And I’ve learned a thing or two

Like how to make some cheese on toast

And how to tie my shoes

 

I’ve mastered how to turn the lights on

And open and close a door

I know that birds go in the sky

And that cars go on the floor

 

Well I’m competent at vacuuming

And not too bad at spelling

I know that food goes in the mouth

And a nose is made for smelling

 

Oh I’m really good at blinking

And at doing up a tie

And I can eat a piece of Toblerone

Without poking myself in the eye

 

I can work out what the time is

Just by looking at a clock

I know which way my trousers go

And how to wear a sock

 

I can do my three times table

And then execute a forward roll

I can open up a box of cornflakes

And put some in bowl

 

Well I’m great at going up the stairs

And not bad coming down

I can hear things that make noises

Especially when they make a sound

 

I can walk around on tippytoes

In a shiny silver thong

But there’s one thing I can never do

And that’s remember the rest of this song

 

 

Electric version of ‘Hey’

is on ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Sometimes in life there are things that are so extrordinary they don’t fit into any category

You’ll find some of those things here

Facebook Live
How to make a successful shopping list
Elliot Mason Comedian stretching ready to write a song
I play a prank on you. British summer time
Cheese on toast
A bowl of soup
What's my vegetable?
Elaine Paige in a bath advertising the Elliot Mason Show

Goo Things

All sketches written By David Goo

Accountant Elliot Mason having a meeting with musician David Goo

The 3 Stages Of A Contemporary Musician

Elliot Mason on the phone at home

Showbiz Friends

Ghandi Sketch with David Goo

Ghandi

David Goo on the phone

The Great British Masoff

Vlog

Vlog 1 Darlington
Vlog 2 Dublin
Vlog 3 Liverpool

Promotional Material

The Day They Turned Jif To Cif by Elliot Mason. Album Preview

The Day They Turned Jif to Cif is the official entry of Elliot Mason’s brainwaves into the world. Never less than completely sympathetic to all his characters and their idiosyncrasies and worries, this album takes a lighter and comic look at what really bothers the people of England: moths on tellies, soap dispenser troubles, franchise confusion, identity fraud, and of course, Milton Keynes. Oh, and there’s a guy with an eyeball on his knee. In the words of Elliot Mason: “Buy my CD!”.

 

 

Tracklist…

 

1. Introduction

2. The Day They Turned Jif To Cif

3. Washing Up Liquid Residue

4. Someone Else

5. I Taped The Wrong Side

6. Eyeball Knee

7. The Day I Bought A Stamp

8. Moth On Me Telly

9. Milton Keynes

10. Never Going Back Again

11. My Ford Mondeo

 

 

Original Release Year: 2010

Repackaged Remastered Reissue Date: 2015

Album Artwork Design: Jamie Lenman

Mastering: Nick at Fluid Mastering

Record Label: Masonic Boom Records

CD Version: Includes an 8 page mini-newspaper lyric sheet to sing-a-long-a-to-a, free uk postage, and an enchanting badge to stare at.

 

 

‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Elliot Mason Life Is Like A Movie. Album Preview.

A startling mixture of comedy, music, cabaret, vocal dexterity, no-song-the-same hilarity, ranging from swing, folk, rock-funk-blues, cheese, show tunes and pop, making the every day into the truly epic experience we all know it is. A one-man Muppet Show, the missing link between Spike Milligan and Mel Blanc, what music would sound like if an orchestra was crammed into Chuck Jones’s head. Elliot Mason gives you permission once again to love all the music you thought you could never admit to enjoying.

 

 

Tracklist…

 

1.  Hey

2. The Roundest Pickled Egg I’ve Ever Seen

3. What did I do with my thing?

4. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man

5. Life Is Like A Movie

6. The Toothpaste Song

7. The Song In The Middle

8. My Life Is A Constant Search For A Pair Of Jeans That Fit

9. If You Were My Girl

10. A Tale Of Mystery Involving A Duck

11. Cecil

12. The Legend Of Neil Norman Wilkinson

13. Rainbow At Midnight

 

 

Release Date: 2015

Mastering: Nick at Fluid Mastering

Record Label: Masonic Boom Records

CD Version: Includes an 8 page lyric sheet to sing-a-long-a-to-a, free uk postage, and an enchanting badge to stare at.

 

 

 

‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

The Elliot Mason Show Album Preview.

This album gathers all the best bits from The Elliot Mason Show that weren’t good enough to go on my proper albums. If I was a band like Depeche Mode or something this would be considered my b-sides and rarities album. It’s not the cream of the crop, it’s more like the cream of the crap. It’s got that song about doors on it. Plus it’s free so shut your face. 🙂 x

 

 

Tracklist…

 

01. The Elliot Mason Show Theme

02. My Life Is Wonderful

03. What’s My Vegetable?

04. The Thumb Just Came Off My Left Marigold

05. Jabba The Hutt Slimfast Advert

06. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage

07. I Play A Prank On You!

08. The Sea

09. I’ve Got A Cold

10. The song in the middle of the cd

11. Doors

12. Celebrity Endorsement

13. There‘s An Old Man In My Garden

14. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man -Original Version

15. Period Features

16. Walking in The Park

17. A Million Pounds

18. Follow Me On Twitter

19. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage – Sad Version

20. End Credits Music

 

 

Get this free album for free by signing up to my occasional newsletter, for FREE!…

 

Comedian Elliot Mason as an old man in glasses being interviewed

Bedford Show Advert

A cardboard box headed man about to get hit by a meteor

The EMS6 Trailer

Comedian Elliot Mason talking to himself about his new album

LILAM SFX Advert

Buy my cd

Original Jif Advert