MrElliotMason.com

Stupid songs / Animations / So Forth

A skywriter parachuting out of his plane mid message

Hundred Watt Club, Winchester Guildhall

Photograph by Val Rose

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Song by Elliot Mason

Animation by Justin Mason

 

There was a gentleman who came from Birmingham

He lived inside a house and drove a yellow van

He had a pair of legs two elbows and a nose

And when he had a bath he took off all his clothes

 

Each morning as he woke he opened up his eyes

He got out of his bed using muscles in his thighs

He walked into the bathroom and brushed all of his teeth

He started with the top ones then did the ones underneath

 

His name was Neil Norman Wilkinson

And he wore a pair of trousers nearly all the time

He drank tea with a dash of milk in it

Could there ever be a more perfect Neil than he?

Maybe

 

Each day he went to work and then he came back home

And then he went to work again and then he came back home

And then the next day he went to work again and then he came back home again

And then he did that for the next two days and then it was the weekend

 

He used his lungs to breathe in oxygen

And he used the toilet whenever the need arose

And at night he normally went to bed

And there ends the tale of Neil Norman Wilkinson

 

 

Words & Music by Elliot Mason

 

Here’s a video I made for the terrific Bruce Sudano

 

 

Official music video for “The Mountain” by Bruce Sudano, off the upcoming EP “Spirals Vol. 1…Not A Straight Line To Be Found.”

 

The Mountain written by Bruce Sudano BMI – Sudano Songs

 

Produced and Mixed by Steve Addabbo

 

Michael Visceglia: Bass

Kenny White: Piano, Wurly

Steve Addabbo: Guitars, chorus vocals

Paulo Coelho: Percussion, chorus vocals

Rich Mercurio: Drums

Bruce Sudano: Vocals and Acoustic Guitar

 

Recorded at Shelter Island Sound, NYC

Mastered by Greg Calbi at Sterling Sound, NJ

 

 

Lyrics…

 

Everybodyʼs feeling out there on a limb

Running from the devil at the will of the wind

Stranded in a jungle, lives are on the line

Overwhelmed by everything

And just not enough time

 

But you canʼt look at the mountain

When youʼre reaching for the sky

You canʼt look at the mountain

Itʼs always up too high

Casts a mighty shadow

Lets no light into your eyes

When all youʼve got is faith to fly

 

Donʼt look at the mountain

Or you wonʼt make the climb

 

Far too many frantic stretched out way too thin

Tryin’ to stay above the water

It’s always sink or swim

Feelin’ too much pressure

No one wants to drown

But it does no good to worry

On the way to higher ground

 

So you don’t look at the mountain

When youʼre reaching for the sky

The only way to do it

Is one day at a time

It casts a mighty shadow

Lets no light into your eyes

When all youʼve got is faith to fly

 

Donʼt look at the mountain

When youʼre reaching for the sky

 

If you think too long

You can talk yourself out of anything

If you think too long

You can talk yourself out of anything

If you think too long

You can talk yourself out of anything

 

So you donʼt look at the mountain

When you’re reaching for the sky

It casts a mighty shadow

Lets no light into your eyes

The only way to do it

One day at at time

No donʼt look at the mountain

When youʼre reaching for the sky

 

 

Copyright 2020, Purple Heart Recording Co.

This episode features a song about the importance of self isolating, and includes a special appearance by T’Pau.

 

 

I Feel So Isolated Right Now – Lyrics…

 

I feel so isolated right now
My whole entire family just got crushed to death by a cow
I don’t know how to feel about it
But I know that I’m sincere about
That I wish that they could come back here somehow
I’m gonna cheer myself up by listening to the best of T’Pau
Why did you have to kill my family you stupid cow?

My wife cooked me up a lovely meal

Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel

I ate it up as quick as I could

Cos I was really hungry

And it tasted just like paradise

 

After I’d finished my lovely meal

I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal

I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming

Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair

 

I washed the plates up and I

I cleaned the spoons

I stacked the saucepans and I

I hummed a tune

I poured the water out but it was too soon

Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more

 

After I’d put all the things away

I said to myself let’s call it a day

I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on

And then I slowly drifted off to sleep

 

I dreamed of elephants and flying cars

I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars

I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath

But when I turned around

And looked on top of Catherine’s head

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Play Video

The Day They Turned Jif To Cif

The Day They Turned Jif to Cif is the official entry of Elliot Mason’s brainwaves into the world. Never less than completely sympathetic to all his characters and their idiosyncrasies and worries, this album takes a lighter and comic look at what really bothers the people of England: moths on tellies, soap dispenser troubles, franchise confusion, identity fraud, and of course, Milton Keynes. Oh, and there’s a guy with an eyeball on his knee. In the words of Elliot Mason: “Buy my CD!”.

 

1. Introduction

2. The Day They Turned Jif To Cif

3. Washing Up Liquid Residue

4. Someone Else

5. I Taped The Wrong Side

6. Eyeball Knee

7. The Day I Bought A Stamp

8. Moth On Me Telly

9. Milton Keynes

10. Never Going Back Again

11. My Ford Mondeo

CD: £7.99 (inc. p&p)

Download: £5.99

Play Video

Life Is Like A Movie

A startling mixture of comedy, music, cabaret, vocal dexterity, no-song-the-same hilarity, ranging from swing, folk, rock-funk-blues, cheese, show tunes and pop, making the every day into the truly epic experience we all know it is. A one-man Muppet Show, the missing link between Spike Milligan and Mel Blanc, what music would sound like if an orchestra was crammed into Chuck Jones’s head. Elliot Mason gives you permission once again to love all the music you thought you could never admit to enjoying.

 

1.  Hey

2. The Roundest Pickled Egg I’ve Ever Seen

3. What did I do with my thing?

4. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man

5. Life Is Like A Movie

6. The Toothpaste Song

7. The Song In The Middle

8. My Life Is A Constant Search For A Pair Of Jeans That Fit

9. If You Were My Girl

10. A Tale Of Mystery Involving A Duck

11. Cecil

12. The Legend Of Neil Norman Wilkinson

13. Rainbow At Midnight

CD: £7.99 (inc. p&p)

Download: £5.99

Hundred Watt Club, West End Centre, Aldershot

Photograph by Jennifer Marsden

Video by Elliot & Justin Mason

 

Heathcroft, Golders Green

22nd March 2010

 

 

Lyrics…

 

When they changed Marathon to Snickers

I nearly wet myself

And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst

I feared for my mental health

When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay

I threw my wife off a cliff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar

I vomited into my socks

And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena

I nailed myself into a box

When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale

The shock turned my hair to a quiff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania

Steam billowed out of my ears

And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner

It brought to life all of my fears

When they changed Immac to Veet I confess

I let loose a tear and a sniff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark

I stabbed myself with a fork

And when they changed Labour to New Labour

I went on a three and a half mile walk

When East 17 became E17

I reached for my handkerchief

But nothing affected me quite in the way that

The day they turned Jif to Cif, did

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

Cos nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change?

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Lovely doors

 

You can open them up

Close them again

Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend

Oh what a drafty world this would be

Without doors doors doors

 

You can paint ’em a colour

Or leave ’em alone

You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone

But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size

Oh doors, doors, doors

 

If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room

Unless you climbed out of a window

You couldn’t get into the toilet at all

You’d have to wee into a corner

 

Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house

They keep out gorillas and even a mouse

You can put in a flap for your cat though

Oh doors doors doors

 

Some of them have a little peephole thing

And you can spy on the postman

And see what he brings

But watch out if he posts something heavy

Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot

 

Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too

Are accessed by going through a doorway

They have them all over in Belgium and Spain

And one or two over in Norway

 

Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet

Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it

I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to

Doors doors doors

 

Lovely doors

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Available for free here

100% live apart from the pre-programmed drums.

 

Lyrics…

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube

It makes it so much easier in the long run

And I try to tell her

Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby

Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude

 

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment

And let the forks have the fork compartment?

I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?

It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

 

(Cra) You’re driving me crazy

(Crazy) Driving me crazy

(Crazy) Ooooooo

(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby

(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy

(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?

(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy

(You’re so crazy) yeah

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby

Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way

Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?

 

Guitar Solo

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo

 

And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her

I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through

I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

 

Lyrics…

 

I went down to the chip shop

To go and buy some chips

I asked for some chips and a battered sausage

And a can of diet Lilt

 

Just as I was paying

He asked did I want anything else

I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg

And then he went and he took one out

 

But there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was out of all proportion and

It gave me quite a fright

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I couldn’t quite believe it

This egg was really round

It tasted like a pickled egg

But it didn’t look like a pickled egg

 

It looked more like a golf ball

Without those little dents

Never before have I ever seen

Such a spherical bloody egg

 

Cos there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was like a massive bonbon

Or a small full moon at night

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw

I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor

But I’ve never ever seen

Such a perfectly round pickled egg

As the one that I saw on that day

When I bought one from the chip shop

That’s around the corner from me

 

The one by the station?

No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners

Oh yes I know the one that you mean

I hear they do round pickled eggs there

Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes

Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry

I didn’t hear the start of the conversation

That’s alright.

Let me tell you ’bout it once again

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Tricity Vogue’s Ukulele Smackdown, Cellar Door, London

Photograph by Jemima Yong

Play Video

The Elliot Mason Show Album

This album gathers all the best bits from The Elliot Mason Show that weren’t good enough to go on my proper albums. If I was a band like Depeche Mode or something this would be considered my b-sides and rarities album. It’s not the cream of the crop, it’s more like the cream of the crap. It has got that song about doors on it though. Plus it’s free so shut your face. 🙂 x

 

 

01. The Elliot Mason Show Theme

02. My Life Is Wonderful

03. What’s My Vegetable?

04. The Thumb Just Came Off My Left Marigold

05. Jabba The Hutt Slimfast Advert

06. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage

07. I Play A Prank On You!

08. The Sea

09. I’ve Got A Cold

10. The song in the middle of the cd

11. Doors

12. Celebrity Endorsement

13. There‘s An Old Man In My Garden

14. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man -Original Version

15. Period Features

16. Walking in The Park

17. A Million Pounds

18. Follow Me On Twitter

19. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage – Sad Version

20. End Credits Music

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