A skywriter parachuting out of his plane mid message

Hundred Watt Club, Winchester Guildhall

Photograph by Val Rose

Recent Activity
A 2ml bottle of washing up liquid residue

My wife cooked me up a lovely meal

Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel

I ate it up as quick as I could

Cos I was really hungry

And it tasted just like paradise

 

After I’d finished my lovely meal

I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal

I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming

Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair

 

I washed the plates up and I

I cleaned the spoons

I stacked the saucepans and I

I hummed a tune

I poured the water out but it was too soon

Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more

 

After I’d put all the things away

I said to myself let’s call it a day

I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on

And then I slowly drifted off to sleep

 

I dreamed of elephants and flying cars

I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars

I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath

But when I turned around

And looked on top of Catherine’s head

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Waving man about to get hit by a meteor

The return of the unmuch-loved Elliot Mason Show after a 3 year absence

 

Elliot struggles to gain an audience for his sketch show but finds hope in the form of a man called Dwight

 

Cast

 

Amir Giles, Gareth Ackland, Mike Fordham, Jenny Lockyer, Jon Roffey, Ian Newman, Charlie Coulson-Smith, Anna Thomson, James Boston, Victoria Dimmock, Ben Wren, Jonny Yeah, David Goo, Hannah Warman, Richard Frost, Dwight Schmendricks

 

Crew

 

Garden Boom – Jon Roffey

Additional Garden Sound – Mike Fordham

‘Walking In The Park’ Camera – Victoria Dimmock

Office Boom – Ben Wren

 

Written & Made by Elliot Mason

Produced by Elliot Mason & David Goo

3 piece comedy band

Elliot Mason’s Open Toed Sandwich…

 

Pete Billington – Keyboard

Oli Dacombe – Drums

Elliot Mason – Vocals, Guitar

 

 

Live at The Bedford, Balham, South London on 28th November 2016, just after screening ‘The Elliot Mason Show Episode 6’ to rapturous thing.

 

 

Filmed by Spencer Kromodromou on his phone.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it

Underneath the doodar, right next to the wotsit?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I lend it to wossisname

You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?

The one that used to be over there

Oh where’d I put me wossaname

Me oobedy doo dar

It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora did I do with my thingy?

 

Instrumental

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my grandma?

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

A 2ml bottle of washing up liquid residue

My wife cooked me up a lovely meal

Pilchards in gravy and a wagon wheel

I ate it up as quick as I could

Cos I was really hungry

And it tasted just like paradise

 

After I’d finished my lovely meal

I said to the wife I’ll cut you a deal

I’ll do the washing up if you do the vacuuming

Cos earlier I dropped a biscuit by my chair

 

I washed the plates up and I

I cleaned the spoons

I stacked the saucepans and I

I hummed a tune

I poured the water out but it was too soon

Cos when I turned around and looked on top of the microwave

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more

 

After I’d put all the things away

I said to myself let’s call it a day

I went into the lounge and I turned the tv on

And then I slowly drifted off to sleep

 

I dreamed of elephants and flying cars

I dreamed of Africans and Milkybars

I dreamed of Catherine Zeta-Jones in the bath

But when I turned around

And looked on top of Catherine’s head

I saw a cup that hadn’t been washed up

 

But I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Oh I had just enough washing up liquid residue on my sponge

That I didn’t have to pour out any more

Not any more.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Waving man about to get hit by a meteor

The return of the unmuch-loved Elliot Mason Show after a 3 year absence

 

Elliot struggles to gain an audience for his sketch show but finds hope in the form of a man called Dwight

 

Cast

 

Amir Giles, Gareth Ackland, Mike Fordham, Jenny Lockyer, Jon Roffey, Ian Newman, Charlie Coulson-Smith, Anna Thomson, James Boston, Victoria Dimmock, Ben Wren, Jonny Yeah, David Goo, Hannah Warman, Richard Frost, Dwight Schmendricks

 

Crew

 

Garden Boom – Jon Roffey

Additional Garden Sound – Mike Fordham

‘Walking In The Park’ Camera – Victoria Dimmock

Office Boom – Ben Wren

 

Written & Made by Elliot Mason

Produced by Elliot Mason & David Goo

3 piece comedy band

Elliot Mason’s Open Toed Sandwich…

 

Pete Billington – Keyboard

Oli Dacombe – Drums

Elliot Mason – Vocals, Guitar

 

 

Live at The Bedford, Balham, South London on 28th November 2016, just after screening ‘The Elliot Mason Show Episode 6’ to rapturous thing.

 

 

Filmed by Spencer Kromodromou on his phone.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

What did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I leave it on the wotch-a-ma-call-it

Underneath the doodar, right next to the wotsit?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thingy?

Didn’t I lend it to wossisname

You know that blokey with the wonky doo dar day?

 

Oh what did I do with my thing-a-me-bob?

The one that used to be over there

Oh where’d I put me wossaname

Me oobedy doo dar

It used to have a doodle ada thingety whatnot

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora did I do with my thingy?

 

Instrumental

 

Oh what did I do with my thing?

What did I do with my thing?

Oh what the bleedin’ Nora

Did I do with my grandma?

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Some over enthusiastic Christians singing a hymn

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping in the hay

Sleepy sleepy Jesus

Oh sleep the night away

 

Sleeping in the morning

Sleeping late at night

Sleeping with the curtains drawn

And with his eyes shut tight

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all please keep it down

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping peacefully

Sleeping when the TV’s on

And when I sing off key

 

Jesus in his manger snoring gently

What a lovely sleeping thing

Our lord and saviour be

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all just shut your noise

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Quiet, oh quiet

Won’t you please pipe down

Cos Jesus is asleep you see

Now please try not to make a sound

Multi instrumentalist playing a song about toothpaste live at home

100% live apart from the pre-programmed drums.

 

Lyrics…

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube

It makes it so much easier in the long run

 

And I try to tell her

Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby

Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude

 

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment

And let the forks have the fork compartment?

 

I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?

It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

 

(Cra) You’re driving me crazy

(Crazy) Driving me crazy

(Crazy) Ooooooo

(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby

 

(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy

(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?

(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy

(You’re so crazy) yeah

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby

Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way

Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?

 

Guitar Solo

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo

 

And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her

I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through

I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Facebook Live

I’ve got a facebook page that I never use if you’re interested.

 

It’s over here!

Some over enthusiastic Christians singing a hymn

Camera – Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping in the hay

Sleepy sleepy Jesus

Oh sleep the night away

 

Sleeping in the morning

Sleeping late at night

Sleeping with the curtains drawn

And with his eyes shut tight

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all please keep it down

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Little baby Jesus

Sleeping peacefully

Sleeping when the TV’s on

And when I sing off key

 

Jesus in his manger snoring gently

What a lovely sleeping thing

Our lord and saviour be

 

Jesus, oh Jesus

Jesus is asleep

Oh won’t you all just shut your noise

Because Jesus is trying to sleep

 

Quiet, oh quiet

Won’t you please pipe down

Cos Jesus is asleep you see

Now please try not to make a sound

Multi instrumentalist playing a song about toothpaste live at home

100% live apart from the pre-programmed drums.

 

Lyrics…

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy yeah

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Yeah my baby oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Oh won’t you squeeze the toothpaste from the end of the tube

It makes it so much easier in the long run

 

And I try to tell her

Oh baby, baby baby baby baby baby

Why do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube

Why do you do that baby no I think it’s really rude

 

Cos my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

Oh my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Cos she’s always putting the teaspoons in the fork bit of the draw

 

And I try to tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why don’t you put the teaspoons in the spoon compartment

And let the forks have the fork compartment?

 

I tell her, Lord knows I’ve tried to tell her

Why do you think they made a compartment that’s teaspoon sized?

It’s so that you can put a teaspoon inside for christ sake

 

(Cra) You’re driving me crazy

(Crazy) Driving me crazy

(Crazy) Ooooooo

(I’m crazy) You drive me crazy baby

 

(Cra) Oh you’re so crazy

(Crazy) Why you so crazy baby?

(You’re crazy) You’re so crazy crazy crazy

(You’re so crazy) yeah

 

Well my baby, oh she drives me crazy

Because she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way on the thing

Yeah my baby, oh oh oh oh oh oh baby baby

Yeah she’s always putting the toilet roll on the wrong way

Wrong way wrong way whhhhyyyyyyy?

 

Guitar Solo

 

And I try to tell her, oh and I try to tell her

Why oh why oh why oh why why oh why why oh why ooo

 

And I try to tell her, oh I try to tell her

I’ve had enough baby that’s the end we’re through

I can’t put up no more with all the things you do so goodbye

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Facebook Live

I’ve got a facebook page that I never use if you’re interested.

 

It’s over here!

CDs for sale £7.99 including postage
The Day They Turned Jif To Cif by Elliot Mason. Album Preview

The Day They Turned Jif to Cif is the official entry of Elliot Mason’s brainwaves into the world. Never less than completely sympathetic to all his characters and their idiosyncrasies and worries, this album takes a lighter and comic look at what really bothers the people of England: moths on tellies, soap dispenser troubles, franchise confusion, identity fraud, and of course, Milton Keynes. Oh, and there’s a guy with an eyeball on his knee. In the words of Elliot Mason: “Buy my CD!”.

 

 

Tracklist…

 

1. Introduction

2. The Day They Turned Jif To Cif

3. Washing Up Liquid Residue

4. Someone Else

5. I Taped The Wrong Side

6. Eyeball Knee

7. The Day I Bought A Stamp

8. Moth On Me Telly

9. Milton Keynes

10. Never Going Back Again

11. My Ford Mondeo

 

 

Original Release Year: 2010

Repackaged Remastered Reissue Date: 2015

Album Artwork Design: Jamie Lenman

Mastering: Nick at Fluid Mastering

Record Label: Masonic Boom Records

CD Version: Includes an 8 page mini-newspaper lyric sheet to sing-a-long-a-to-a, free uk postage, and an enchanting badge to stare at.

 

 

‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Elliot Mason Life Is Like A Movie. Album Preview.

A startling mixture of comedy, music, cabaret, vocal dexterity, no-song-the-same hilarity, ranging from swing, folk, rock-funk-blues, cheese, show tunes and pop, making the every day into the truly epic experience we all know it is. A one-man Muppet Show, the missing link between Spike Milligan and Mel Blanc, what music would sound like if an orchestra was crammed into Chuck Jones’s head. Elliot Mason gives you permission once again to love all the music you thought you could never admit to enjoying.

 

 

Tracklist…

 

1.  Hey

2. The Roundest Pickled Egg I’ve Ever Seen

3. What did I do with my thing?

4. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man

5. Life Is Like A Movie

6. The Toothpaste Song

7. The Song In The Middle

8. My Life Is A Constant Search For A Pair Of Jeans That Fit

9. If You Were My Girl

10. A Tale Of Mystery Involving A Duck

11. Cecil

12. The Legend Of Neil Norman Wilkinson

13. Rainbow At Midnight

 

 

Release Date: 2015

Mastering: Nick at Fluid Mastering

Record Label: Masonic Boom Records

CD Version: Includes an 8 page lyric sheet to sing-a-long-a-to-a, free uk postage, and an enchanting badge to stare at.

 

 

 

‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Hundred Watt Club, West End Centre, Aldershot

Photograph by Jennifer Marsden

Folk singer spraying cif bathroom cleaner

Video by Elliot & Justin Mason

 

Heathcroft, Golders Green

22nd March 2010

 

Lyrics…

 

When they changed Marathon to Snickers

I nearly wet myself

And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst

I feared for my mental health

When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay

I threw my wife off a cliff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar

I vomited into my socks

And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena

I nailed myself into a box

When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale

The shock turned my hair to a quiff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania

Steam billowed out of my ears

And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner

It brought to life all of my fears

When they changed Immac to Veet I confess

I let loose a tear and a sniff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark

I stabbed myself with a fork

And when they changed Labour to New Labour

I went on a three and a half mile walk

When East 17 became E17

I reached for my handkerchief

But nothing affected me quite in the way that

The day they turned Jif to Cif, did

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

Cos nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change?

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Crazy weather man doing a door forecast

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Lovely doors

 

You can open them up

Close them again

Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend

Oh what a drafty world this would be

Without doors doors doors

 

You can paint ’em a colour

Or leave ’em alone

You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone

But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size

Oh doors, doors, doors

 

If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room

Unless you climbed out of a window

You couldn’t get into the toilet at all

You’d have to wee into a corner

 

Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house

They keep out gorillas and even a mouse

You can put in a flap for your cat though

Oh doors doors doors

 

Some of them have a little peephole thing

And you can spy on the postman

And see what he brings

But watch out if he posts something heavy

Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot

 

Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too

Are accessed by going through a doorway

They have them all over in Belgium and Spain

And one or two over in Norway

 

Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet

Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it

I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to

Doors doors doors

 

Lovely doors

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Available for free over here…

New romantic in white makeup singing

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I went down to the chip shop

To go and buy some chips

I asked for some chips and a battered sausage

And a can of diet Lilt

 

Just as I was paying

He asked did I want anything else

I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg

And then he went and he took one out

 

But there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was out of all proportion and

It gave me quite a fright

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I couldn’t quite believe it

This egg was really round

It tasted like a pickled egg

But it didn’t look like a pickled egg

 

It looked more like a golf ball

Without those little dents

Never before have I ever seen

Such a spherical bloody egg

 

Cos there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was like a massive bonbon

Or a small full moon at night

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw

I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor

But I’ve never ever seen

Such a perfectly round pickled egg

As the one that I saw on that day

When I bought one from the chip shop

That’s around the corner from me

The one by the station?

No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners

Oh yes I know the one that you mean

I hear they do round pickled eggs there

Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes

Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry

I didn’t hear the start of the conversation

That’s alright.

Let me tell you ’bout it once again

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

Folk singer spraying cif bathroom cleaner

Video by Elliot & Justin Mason

 

Heathcroft, Golders Green

22nd March 2010

 

Lyrics…

 

When they changed Marathon to Snickers

I nearly wet myself

And when they changed Opal fruits to Starburst

I feared for my mental health

When they changed Oil of Ulay to Olay

I threw my wife off a cliff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Dime Bar to Daim Bar

I vomited into my socks

And when the Millennium Dome became the 02 Arena

I nailed myself into a box

When they changed Emmerdale farm to Emmerdale

The shock turned my hair to a quiff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

When Tanganyika and Zanzibar became Tanzania

Steam billowed out of my ears

And when Richard Whiteley became Des O’Conner

It brought to life all of my fears

When they changed Immac to Veet I confess

I let loose a tear and a sniff

But nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

 

When they changed Prince to a squiggly mark

I stabbed myself with a fork

And when they changed Labour to New Labour

I went on a three and a half mile walk

When East 17 became E17

I reached for my handkerchief

But nothing affected me quite in the way that

The day they turned Jif to Cif, did

 

Why do things change?

Why do things change?

Just leave ’em be

Won’t you just leave ‘em be for me

 

Cos nothing affected me quite the way

The day they turned Jif to Cif

Why do things change?

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Crazy weather man doing a door forecast

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

4 seconds of this video is shown repeatedly on Channel 4’s Rudetube despite the fact it’s not rude, and it doesn’t have a tube in it. Still that’s nice ay.

 

 

Lyrics…

 

Doors doors doors

Doors doors doors

Lovely doors

 

You can open them up

Close them again

Keep them ajar if your expecting a friend

Oh what a drafty world this would be

Without doors doors doors

 

You can paint ’em a colour

Or leave ’em alone

You can buy one in B&Q in store or by phone

But make sure you don’t buy the wrong size

Oh doors, doors, doors

 

If you didn’t have a door you’d be stuck in your room

Unless you climbed out of a window

You couldn’t get into the toilet at all

You’d have to wee into a corner

 

Oh they fill up a hole in the side of your house

They keep out gorillas and even a mouse

You can put in a flap for your cat though

Oh doors doors doors

 

Some of them have a little peephole thing

And you can spy on the postman

And see what he brings

But watch out if he posts something heavy

Cos it might hurt your foot foot foot

 

Oh Argos and Currys and Wilkinsons too

Are accessed by going through a doorway

They have them all over in Belgium and Spain

And one or two over in Norway

 

Well there’s five on my car not including the bonnet

Is a bonnet a door or a lid? Oh well sod it

I’m fond of a lid but I’m rather more partial to

Doors doors doors

 

Lovely doors

 

 

from ‘The Elliot Mason Show Album’

The Elliot Mason Show Album Front Cover

Available for free over here…

New romantic in white makeup singing

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I went down to the chip shop

To go and buy some chips

I asked for some chips and a battered sausage

And a can of diet Lilt

 

Just as I was paying

He asked did I want anything else

I said alright I’ll have a pickled egg

And then he went and he took one out

 

But there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was out of all proportion and

It gave me quite a fright

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled egg oh yes indeed

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I couldn’t quite believe it

This egg was really round

It tasted like a pickled egg

But it didn’t look like a pickled egg

 

It looked more like a golf ball

Without those little dents

Never before have I ever seen

Such a spherical bloody egg

 

Cos there was something about this pickled egg

That wasn’t really right

It was like a massive bonbon

Or a small full moon at night

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

Well I’ve seen a round orange and a circular saw

I’ve seen a round table and a mat on the floor

But I’ve never ever seen

Such a perfectly round pickled egg

As the one that I saw on that day

When I bought one from the chip shop

That’s around the corner from me

The one by the station?

No the other one that’s closer to me next to the dry cleaners

Oh yes I know the one that you mean

I hear they do round pickled eggs there

Yes that’s what I’ve been going on about for the last 5 minutes

Oh have you? Oh I’m sorry

I didn’t hear the start of the conversation

That’s alright.

Let me tell you ’bout it once again

 

Cos it was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was round and pickled and eggy don’t you see

It was the roundest pickled egg I’ve ever seen

It was the roundest pickled Eeeeeggggg

 

 

From ‘Life Is Like A Movie’

A musical comedian eating popcorn next to a duck up a back alley.

Available here

A lady from the 1940s asleep in bed in full makeup

Video by Justin & Elliot Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

I heard about a place

Not so far away

Where people live in peace

And make love all the day

 

They’ve got all kinds of shops

The roads are built in blocks

There ain’t no doggy plops

You could walk round in your socks

Milton Keynes

 

Drive up the M1

And go past Toddington

Turn off at J14

You might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes

 

The locals all look pleased

And never flick the v’s

They’ve got a big Sainsburys

With twenty types of cheese

Milton Keynes

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Blues with a shaker

Video by Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

It was late in the evening

I was flicking through the TV guide

When I stumbled on a programme

A documentary ’bout Venetian blinds

 

Well I programmed up my video

And I went to bed

But when I woke up in the mornin

I done shook my head

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well the very next day I bought a new machine

It had video plus written up the side

The man in the shop said it’s as easy as pie

And that a baby could do it if it only tried

 

I tried to tape the Krypton Factor

Using all the numbers

But when I played it back

It was a film about cucumbers

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Let me tell you about it right here and now people

 

I taped songs of praise

When it should have been snooker

I got half of Rocky

But only by fluke-a

I got episode 3 of 24 season 2

And I can’t figure out just who is who

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well I phoned up my son in law

And asked for his advice

And he got in his car and came around

Just like that

He unplugged all my A.V. leads

And changed them to a scart

Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound

I don’t know why

 

He wrote out some instructions

And said nothing could go wrong

So I sat down in my comfy chair

And tried to watch King Kong

But I, ooo, I,

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Man in a nice suit

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks

But I can’t find it

I don’t know where I parked it

 

Oh

I’m sure that I put it right over there

This just isn’t fair

What can I do?

Ooo

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?

I really need it to get to work.

Ooo

It’s a Ford Mondeo

 

Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece

And I checked inside the fridge

But still no luck

I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house

But it was just a truck

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?

I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo

Oh there it is.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

A lady from the 1940s asleep in bed in full makeup

Video by Justin & Elliot Mason

 

Lyrics…

 

I heard about a place

Not so far away

Where people live in peace

And make love all the day

 

They’ve got all kinds of shops

The roads are built in blocks

There ain’t no doggy plops

You could walk round in your socks

Milton Keynes

 

Drive up the M1

And go past Toddington

Turn off at J14

You might even meet the Queen in Milton Keynes

 

The locals all look pleased

And never flick the v’s

They’ve got a big Sainsburys

With twenty types of cheese

Milton Keynes

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Blues with a shaker

Video by Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

It was late in the evening

I was flicking through the TV guide

When I stumbled on a programme

A documentary ’bout Venetian blinds

 

Well I programmed up my video

And I went to bed

But when I woke up in the mornin

I done shook my head

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well the very next day I bought a new machine

It had video plus written up the side

The man in the shop said it’s as easy as pie

And that a baby could do it if it only tried

 

I tried to tape the Krypton Factor

Using all the numbers

But when I played it back

It was a film about cucumbers

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Let me tell you about it right here and now people

 

I taped songs of praise

When it should have been snooker

I got half of Rocky

But only by fluke-a

I got episode 3 of 24 season 2

And I can’t figure out just who is who

Cos I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

Well I phoned up my son in law

And asked for his advice

And he got in his car and came around

Just like that

He unplugged all my A.V. leads

And changed them to a scart

Now I have to turn on my hifi to get sound

I don’t know why

 

He wrote out some instructions

And said nothing could go wrong

So I sat down in my comfy chair

And tried to watch King Kong

But I, ooo, I,

I taped the wrong side

Yes I, ooo, I

I taped the wrong side

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Man in a nice suit

Video by Elliot Mason & Mike Fordham

 

Lyrics…

 

I’ve been looking for my car for a couple of weeks

But I can’t find it

I don’t know where I parked it

 

Oh

I’m sure that I put it right over there

This just isn’t fair

What can I do?

Ooo

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there someone who can tell me where my car is?

I really need it to get to work.

Ooo

It’s a Ford Mondeo

 

Well I checked on top of my mantelpiece

And I checked inside the fridge

But still no luck

I thought I heard it the other day driving past my house

But it was just a truck

 

Is it here?

Is it there?

Is there anybody that can tell me where my car is?

I’ll never bloody find my Ford Mondeo

Oh there it is.

 

 

From ‘The Day They Turned Jif To Cif’

A man's head explodes whilst reading the news that jif has changed it's name to cif

Available here

Tricity Vogue’s Ukulele Smackdown, Cellar Door, London

Photograph by Jemima Yong

This album gathers all the best bits from The Elliot Mason Show that weren’t good enough to go on my proper albums. If I was a band like Depeche Mode or something this would be considered my b-sides and rarities album. It’s not the cream of the crop, it’s more like the cream of the crap. It’s got that song about doors on it. Plus it’s free so shut your face. 🙂 x

 

Tracklist…

 

01. The Elliot Mason Show Theme

02. My Life Is Wonderful

03. What’s My Vegetable?

04. The Thumb Just Came Off My Left Marigold

05. Jabba The Hutt Slimfast Advert

06. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage

07. I Play A Prank On You!

08. The Sea

09. I’ve Got A Cold

10. The song in the middle of the cd

11. Doors

12. Celebrity Endorsement

13. There‘s An Old Man In My Garden

14. Me Father Was A Peaceful Man -Original Version

15. Period Features

16. Walking in The Park

17. A Million Pounds

18. Follow Me On Twitter

19. Roamin’ ‘Round The ‘Reckage – Sad Version

20. End Credits Music

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